Thursday, December 27, 2012

Footprints In Our Still Hearts

One week exactly before Christmas Eve, I knew there was something wrong but everything in me pleaded for the best. The nurse tried with three different devices to find his heartbeat. At one point we heard a faint beat and her eyebrows raised but I knew it was my own. I had heard his heartbeat several times now and that wasn't it. She took my pulse and timed it to the rhythm and her looked changed to one of deflation. I burst into tears. The doctors did a bed side ultrasound then took me into another room for another sonogram. As they gathered around the screen they pointed, nodded heads and tightened their lips. Then one turned to me and said "I'm sorry, your baby has died." They guided me with sympathetic eyes back to my room. And I threw up.
At 6:30pm I was induced and after fifteen long hours of labour, I delivered my son Declan stillborn. I have never in my life been that afraid and sad as I was in that moment. The nurses took him away to wash him and brought him to me all bundled in a warm blanket, but his skin was cold when I touched his face. He was really tiny; 207 grams. And he was beautiful. His features resembled that of my other two sons when they were babies. This made it all too real for me. I kissed his little head that had the smallest knitted white toque I've ever seen covering it and said sorry to him; sorry for failing him, sorry for his discomfort and sorry for his loss of being. I've been told over and over there is nothing I could have done to have prevented this from happening but I think you'd have to be a mom in my position to understand my apologies. I told him I love him, I said goodbye then Chris took him from me before handing him to the nurse. She left our room and brought back a tiny green box. In in she had photographs of him, a baby bracelet that said 'Declan' and a card with a heart on it where she had stamped his little footprints. Other than holding that memory box, we left the hospital with empty arms.
The days following are a blur. With what I just had to endure emotionally and physically, I now had to plan the burial for my son. I don't know how it all came together but it did. The reverend, the piper, the memory cards, choosing his grave site, registering his death, arranging for the hearse.. somehow we did it. The boys chose three little stuffed animals to put in his casket to represent our three babies who we lost through miscarriages over the years. We also got him a baby stocking, a Christmas ornament that says 'Love At First Sight' and a blanket the kids knit for him the day we told them we had lost him. I had him wrapped in a white knit blanket my Gran had made for Carter ten years ago; one that Callum had also used as a baby. I hope Declan feels the love that surrounds him.
On Friday December 21st, 2012 the day the world was supposed to end, we buried our son. As we drove to the cemetery we saw his hearse drive by. I was numbed by the sight. When we got there the graveyard was full of my most cherished friends and family, but I couldn't look any of them in the eye for if I did I would crumble. And I needed to be strong for this. I didn't want my last moments with my son above ground to be wasted in only sorrow. I still had more I needed to tell him and I could not afford the time it would cost to become distracted. I could not feel my legs through the entire service and my tears blurred everything around me but I knew I was surrounded by people who were there for us. I could feel the strength from their kind words and thoughts holding me up in my moment of weakness as I thought I hate the word today, no one should ever have to bury their child.
Leaving him in his little coffin on top of the plot where he would later be buried will forever bother me. It is an image I wake up to every night. A good mother does not leave her children unattended. Ever. I worry that he wasn't warm enough, I'm scared that he is scared.
I'm not sure where to go from here but I think once I am ready to accept my guilt, my grief, my loss, I will bundle it up and place it in the spot of stillness I have carved out in my heart for Declan. I will never be the same because of losing him. I plan to learn how to carry this with me in a way that it does not become an obstacle in my life going forward; for the sake of my little family. I feel my soul now holds new life lessons on karma, on love and on loss because of his existence. My baby boy has shown me that even the smallest feet can leave an imprint on this world. With that I will try to make the world a better place in his honour.
If love alone could have saved you my son you never would have died.
Rest In Peace Declan Christopher
December 17, 2012

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Declan Christopher, our Angel Baby ~December 17, 2012 - December 17, 2012




My Darling Child ~Sinead O'Connor

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You gave life to me
My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me
My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me
Me little ninja
My little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely boy
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite boy
My angel babby
Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me love me boy
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Fingers Crossed

I've held back from putting it up on Facebook, I've kept it off Twitter but I'll post here. It's safe here, and I see there were a number of views on my page already this month but with nothing new shared by me.

Tomorrow I'll have hit week 22 of my pregnancy. But everyday for the last few weeks have been a waiting game to see how much longer this pregnancy will last. I'm High Risk and the environment in which the baby is thriving is not good. The placenta isn't doing it's job to nourish him, there are signs of kidney failure and my amniotic fluid is too low. We've been given the option of terminating ..twice. And both times when we refused we were told to brace ourselves for what we could be facing in the weeks to come. The words "....possibility you will deliver still born, and if not, your baby will die shortly after birth...." came out very matter of fact from my doctor's mouth. I watched her lips move over every word and couldn't believe I had to hear that aloud. I knew it already in my head, I felt it in my heart, but for it to be spoken out loud was crushing to my soul.

There's a lot of guilt that surrounds me in relation to this pregnancy. When I first discovered I was expecting I was less than thrilled. I'm thirty-seven years old with children who will be 11 and almost 9 by the time my due date comes around. This was not in my plan and I was pretty vocal about that. It's how I truly felt in the moment and so this is why I believe Karma has come to teach me a lesson. The realization of "You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone." I've always felt that I have so much good in my life because I put out an effort to do good in this world, and it comes back full circle to me. In this scenerio it did just that with a reaction which will sacrifice the health of my unborn child. I don't encounter negative reactions very often. And when I do I accept them, because I understand and believe in the process. Of course people's reactions are to tell me that there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this. But I think there is. And I blame myself entirely. So before I move forward in this post, stop feeling sorry for me; I don't deserve it. I'm writing because I see that some of my most read posts are the ones about my miscarriages and my children. And if what I have to write here connects to what anyone else out there is feeling then it's worth it for you to know you're not alone.

I was born to be a Mom. It was my childhood dream career. And although there's no University degree or College diploma that can give you the credentials you need in order to be a mother, I have a pretty good resume making me an excellent candidate for the job.

Here are my top five reasons why:

First I have experience; I have two boys who I couldn't be more proud of. Second, I'm reliable. I can be counted on. Third I'm compassionate. I raise my children with value of consideration for other beings and teach them that having a heart matters a lot. Fourth I'm understanding and forgiving. If they learn from their mistakes then they're living life on the right path. Fifth I'm strong. I can take care of myself as well as everyone else around me.

....but these past few weeks, I'm failing at it all.

Here are my top five reasons why:

First, my little boys see me cry everyday. There are no good days and bad days; they are all just days with good and bad moments throughout them. And those moments are unpredictable. Second, I can't plan do do very much because I'm so drained emotionally, physically and mentally from over thinking it all. Third, I'm starting to feel compassion burn out. I need to focus my passion for compassion on my baby and concentrate that energy on making him stronger, but I feel burned out; my inner light is dim. Fourth, although I'm understanding it all I'm not forgiving of it at all. Not one bit. I should get a pass on this for all the other good I've put out there, ..no?! I think so. Some would call me self righteous for thinking that but it's how I feel. I'm angry. I hate that my baby is suffering and there is nothing anyone can do for him. And that I am housing all that suffering internally. It's hard to forgive life for putting me in such a helpless situation. And fifth, I'm at my weakest. The feeling of waiting for the day where your baby's heart might stop beating, or that my water will break and I'll deliver him dead is unexplainable. There is no way to know what this feels like unless you've been here. I've never before had such a fear of the unknown. I find strength to put on a face to visit with a friend and to tell the family I'm ok ..but it takes a lot of energy to fake it. I need to be taken care of and don't know how to make that known. I've never been this fragile.

I'm failing miserably at everything that I think makes me so great at the mommy job, ....making it even more difficult to turn my Karma around and make it right. But I believe in the power of the universe. I need to get it together and change the expected outcome for me and my boy by thinking positively. In my good moments of the day I feel a surge of hope flow through me and I'm banking that right into the heart of my baby living inside me. And day after day, that will amount to big hopes.

I've never loved anything more in my life than this little life I've created; I think he feels that. I cannot lose him now. I'm surrounded by love which gives me hope. And in hope I'll find the strength to take care of us both. I can't expect anyone to do anything for us except to send good vibes our way. It's really all up to the Mommy in me to pull this off..

(Fingers crossed, please)





About Me

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Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)