I've held back from putting it up on Facebook, I've kept it off Twitter but I'll post here. It's safe here, and I see there were a number of views on my page already this month but with nothing new shared by me.
Tomorrow I'll have hit week 22 of my pregnancy. But everyday for the last few weeks have been a waiting game to see how much longer this pregnancy will last. I'm High Risk and the environment in which the baby is thriving is not good. The placenta isn't doing it's job to nourish him, there are signs of kidney failure and my amniotic fluid is too low. We've been given the option of terminating ..twice. And both times when we refused we were told to brace ourselves for what we could be facing in the weeks to come. The words "....possibility you will deliver still born, and if not, your baby will die shortly after birth...." came out very matter of fact from my doctor's mouth. I watched her lips move over every word and couldn't believe I had to hear that aloud. I knew it already in my head, I felt it in my heart, but for it to be spoken out loud was crushing to my soul.
There's a lot of guilt that surrounds me in relation to this pregnancy. When I first discovered I was expecting I was less than thrilled. I'm thirty-seven years old with children who will be 11 and almost 9 by the time my due date comes around. This was not in my plan and I was pretty vocal about that. It's how I truly felt in the moment and so this is why I believe Karma has come to teach me a lesson. The realization of "You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone." I've always felt that I have so much good in my life because I put out an effort to do good in this world, and it comes back full circle to me. In this scenerio it did just that with a reaction which will sacrifice the health of my unborn child. I don't encounter negative reactions very often. And when I do I accept them, because I understand and believe in the process. Of course people's reactions are to tell me that there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this. But I think there is. And I blame myself entirely. So before I move forward in this post, stop feeling sorry for me; I don't deserve it. I'm writing because I see that some of my most read posts are the ones about my miscarriages and my children. And if what I have to write here connects to what anyone else out there is feeling then it's worth it for you to know you're not alone.
I was born to be a Mom. It was my childhood dream career. And although there's no University degree or College diploma that can give you the credentials you need in order to be a mother, I have a pretty good resume making me an excellent candidate for the job.
Here are my top five reasons why:
First I have experience; I have two boys who I couldn't be more proud of. Second, I'm reliable. I can be counted on. Third I'm compassionate. I raise my children with value of consideration for other beings and teach them that having a heart matters a lot. Fourth I'm understanding and forgiving. If they learn from their mistakes then they're living life on the right path. Fifth I'm strong. I can take care of myself as well as everyone else around me.
....but these past few weeks, I'm failing at it all.
Here are my top five reasons why:
First, my little boys see me cry everyday. There are no good days and bad days; they are all just days with good and bad moments throughout them. And those moments are unpredictable. Second, I can't plan do do very much because I'm so drained emotionally, physically and mentally from over thinking it all. Third, I'm starting to feel compassion burn out. I need to focus my passion for compassion on my baby and concentrate that energy on making him stronger, but I feel burned out; my inner light is dim. Fourth, although I'm understanding it all I'm not forgiving of it at all. Not one bit. I should get a pass on this for all the other good I've put out there, ..no?! I think so. Some would call me self righteous for thinking that but it's how I feel. I'm angry. I hate that my baby is suffering and there is nothing anyone can do for him. And that I am housing all that suffering internally. It's hard to forgive life for putting me in such a helpless situation. And fifth, I'm at my weakest. The feeling of waiting for the day where your baby's heart might stop beating, or that my water will break and I'll deliver him dead is unexplainable. There is no way to know what this feels like unless you've been here. I've never before had such a fear of the unknown. I find strength to put on a face to visit with a friend and to tell the family I'm ok ..but it takes a lot of energy to fake it. I need to be taken care of and don't know how to make that known. I've never been this fragile.
I'm failing miserably at everything that I think makes me so great at the mommy job, ....making it even more difficult to turn my Karma around and make it right. But I believe in the power of the universe. I need to get it together and change the expected outcome for me and my boy by thinking positively. In my good moments of the day I feel a surge of hope flow through me and I'm banking that right into the heart of my baby living inside me. And day after day, that will amount to big hopes.
I've never loved anything more in my life than this little life I've created; I think he feels that. I cannot lose him now. I'm surrounded by love which gives me hope. And in hope I'll find the strength to take care of us both. I can't expect anyone to do anything for us except to send good vibes our way. It's really all up to the Mommy in me to pull this off..
(Fingers crossed, please)