Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Thanking My Lucky Stars

I had this image etched onto Declan's
gravestone
in honour of my four taken babies.
I felt like I was starting to go crazy in the weeks leading up to me returning to work. My head was spinning, I was doing things that made no sense (caught myself putting a clean pot away in the fridge instead of the cupboard!) I forgot to pick up a good friend one day when we had plans and I was starting to not know the day of the week unless I looked it up on my iPhone. The numbness was starting to wear and I felt overcome with guilt. I was considering seeing someone, a grief counsellor but really felt like that wasn't the answer. They would only tell me something they learned from a text book and that wasn't for me. Then while browsing on social media, I came across a photo that led to where I am now.

A friend posted a picture on Facebook of a Caulbearer Baby born still in the sac with the amniotic fluid and placenta intact. It's very rare this happens; one website said once in every eight hundred thousand births. The doctor told me it's uncommon when I delivered Declan in that state ..but my mind was so distorted by my broken heart and I didn't quite understand what that really meant. It seems these babies are teachers of a higher learning, destined for greatness. After reading more about it I decided to see a Psychic. And my visit to her was life changing.
Once she had validated some truths that would be very big guesses if she wasn't truly connected, I bought into what she wanted to tell me and she told me this:

Sometimes we think the Universe is a cruel place but we humans accidentally make it out to be that way. The Universe only wants for us what is meant for us and through our misunderstandings we think it is out to get us sometimes. She said I wasn't meant to look after a crippled child for the rest of my life (she said crippled, not weak heart or any of the other number of reasons a baby is stillborn.. she said crippled which is in line with our dealings of positive Spina Bifida results leading up to his death) She said she sees guilt weighing on me because I have misunderstood my feelings from the start. She said I feel guilt as a result of looking back at how I reacted when I first realized I was expecting. She said she knows this was a surprise pregnancy and I acted in a way that I'm ashamed of now; in a way that was not typically me at all ..but that I need to see it as it really is which is Extreme Intuition. She told me I'm very connected and I actually knew what I didn't know I knew at that time. I knew I was heading into a storm and that this was going to happen so it was my way of guarding myself in the moment. It was my way of preparing myself for what was to come so I could be strong around everyone I needed to be strong around. She said Declan knows I love him, he knows I hoped as hard as I could even though I knew that energy used in doing so would not change the outcome. But out of love I tried it. She said he will be returned to me in this lifetime; probably through the form of a grandchild. She said she sees four stars above my right shoulder. Each of the other two psychics I've seen in my life have always commented on the star or stars in the same spot; the number they have given each time was representative of the number of miscarriages I had experienced at that point in time interestingly enough. All being said, her message to me was I need to just see it as it really was; a guard resulting from intuition and I have no reason to feel guilty for being so connected; in fact it's a gift and it is not meant to burden me..

I really feel in my soul that my caulbearer baby directed me to this woman to receive this message. I'm not sure if anyone else really understands what that message means but if you've experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth it may give you some insight to changing the way you interpret what you think you feel and it will make a difference to your well being. This message saved me from losing my mind, from being guilt ridden my whole life and has lifted off a tremendous weight. I still feel sad all of the time, I still wonder where I'd be now if I were still carrying him and how things would look going forward. I'm sad for the visions of our future that are lost and I'm sad because I miss being pregnant, feeling him flutter inside. I'm still very sad. I'll always be sad. But I honestly feel freed from the guilt. And I think I have my four Lucky Stars above my right shoulder to thank for that.

About Me

My photo
Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)