Saturday, April 20, 2013

Our New Reality

Rest In Peace Among This Garden Of Angels Baby Boy Of Mine
You know how sometimes you wake up from a terrible dream? And for a split second when you first open your eyes you freeze as the thought goes through your mind 'that was just a bad dream, that didn't really happen, everything is ok' followed by a feeling of relief. But for me when I place my hand on my stomach only to feel my flattened belly where my baby bump once was, I realize that nightmare was my reality.
Today marks the date I was due to deliver Declan. As of this moment I have to face the fact that I will not give birth, I will not bring another son home today and the visions I had for our family past April 20th, 2013 have changed. We really haven't made any plans for our summer because we had thought we'd have a baby in tow. Now that we won't we've just avoided booking camping and other events because it doesn't feel right. We envisioned we'd be a family of 'five' for everything we do past today. Having lost him four months ago you'd think I'd have prepared myself for this and these feelings, but the reality is it's too painful to brace yourself for such sadness. Instead of my kids coming to the hospital to meet their new brother, I'll take them over to visit his grave today. Instead of baby toys and clothes, we'll take him some blue roses and star shaped balloons. Although we've had months of grieving his loss already, this is day one of moving forward in our new reality.

About Me

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Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)