Sunday, May 11, 2014

For My Ambivalent Mother On Mother's Day

If my mom happens to be celebrating Mother's Day today then this is from me to Sandra. This song has been interpreted by many people and in so many different angles but for me it defines my life in terms of trying to be the reflection of my mother that she wanted me to be. She had to have control over everything we did that might say something about her. And we were mindful of that. But if she had stood back and let us be who we really are, I believe she would have been pleasantly surprised by our nature. And no, not everything I did or wanted to do in my life would have been okayed by Sandra but it really would have been okay overall. Instead, I lived my childhood in fear of disappointing her. I was constantly climbing a mountain to reach her, to connect with her and even though I felt I had made it to the top many times, she could never admit to my accomplishments even though my presence there couldn't be ignored. Instead she'd see me there then find a way to push me down again. In recent years I discovered that the bottom of that mountain is where I actually belong. There are people here, children, friends, family who need me and I can't spend my life trying to reach Sandra anymore. The last time I feel I was at the top of that mountain I was expecting my youngest son. I hadn't seen my mom this delighted in years and she couldn't wait to start shopping and telling all her friends. I felt as though I had done it again. Reached the top and had made her proud. But then the baby's kidneys failed him, I lost him and through it all I lost her too. The landslide brought me back down to where I belong, where love lives. To the friends and family who care about me as I am. Brought me back down to the people who laid low with me at my weakest and who stand to support me when I have strength. This is where I belong. I wonder if Sandra sees me in her reflection way up there. I wonder if she is tired from striving to be at the top all the time, trying not to slide away from it. Holding such control of a life she thinks she wants instead of living the life she could instead enjoy. One with children and grandchildren. One with holidays and celebrations. It's too much of a struggle for me to constantly strive to reach her up there and she's far too strong willed for the landslide to ever bring her down. So it is what it is. I celebrate Mother's Day as I'm grateful to be a mom. If Sandra is celebrating Mother's Day hopefully it's because she grateful for some part of her motherhood experience.

About Me

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Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)