For My Ambivalent Mother On Mother's Day

If my mom happens to be celebrating Mother's Day today then this is from me to Sandra. This song has been interpreted by many people and in so many different angles but for me it defines my life in terms of trying to be the reflection of my mother that she wanted me to be. She had to have control over everything we did that might say something about her. And we were mindful of that. But if she had stood back and let us be who we really are, I believe she would have been pleasantly surprised by our nature. And no, not everything I did or wanted to do in my life would have been okayed by Sandra but it really would have been okay overall. Instead, I lived my childhood in fear of disappointing her. I was constantly climbing a mountain to reach her, to connect with her and even though I felt I had made it to the top many times, she could never admit to my accomplishments even though my presence there couldn't be ignored. Instead she'd see me there then find a way to push me down again. In recent years I discovered that the bottom of that mountain is where I actually belong. There are people here, children, friends, family who need me and I can't spend my life trying to reach Sandra anymore. The last time I feel I was at the top of that mountain I was expecting my youngest son. I hadn't seen my mom this delighted in years and she couldn't wait to start shopping and telling all her friends. I felt as though I had done it again. Reached the top and had made her proud. But then the baby's kidneys failed him, I lost him and through it all I lost her too. The landslide brought me back down to where I belong, where love lives. To the friends and family who care about me as I am. Brought me back down to the people who laid low with me at my weakest and who stand to support me when I have strength. This is where I belong. I wonder if Sandra sees me in her reflection way up there. I wonder if she is tired from striving to be at the top all the time, trying not to slide away from it. Holding such control of a life she thinks she wants instead of living the life she could instead enjoy. One with children and grandchildren. One with holidays and celebrations. It's too much of a struggle for me to constantly strive to reach her up there and she's far too strong willed for the landslide to ever bring her down. So it is what it is. I celebrate Mother's Day as I'm grateful to be a mom. If Sandra is celebrating Mother's Day hopefully it's because she grateful for some part of her motherhood experience.

Amazing Grace -Sinead O'Connor

For the most part I visit Declan's site in good spirit. It's not a place I always associate with sadness; it's somewhere I go to for comfort, re-energizing and to maintain balance within my being. This morning at the cemetery I watched a couple walk around the grounds with the graveyard administrative person, selecting a plot. The man from the office had his clipboard and his map in hand and pointed to certain locations; the same way he did when he walked us around to choose Declan's place of rest. It's the first time I've seen that man since that day and the sight of him reminded me of what strength it took for us to do that. The conversations about the planning came flooding back, the sadness that surrounded us at that time and the fear of what was to come hit me all over again when I saw that man and his map. And those memories began to weaken me today.
But something distracted me from the upset, something intriguing. I swear, in the far distance I could hear the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace, just as we had the piper play at the finale of Declan's funeral. The song seemed to fade in and out but it was playing and I don't think it was just in my head. There must have been someone in one of the nearby fields practising. Regardless, it had a stilling effect and made it's presence at the most opportune time, reminding me to stay focussed on what I've learned through all of this. Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life. But there are messages within all of these encounters for us to recognize, accept and act upon. I left with a sense of balance in my spirit once again. I believe Amazing Grace was a message today and the sweet sound saved a wretch like me..


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

International Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day -October 15th

I've posted this video before and shed some light in a post on why stars are so significant to me in relation to the loss of my babies. Today, October 15th is International Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day and although I don't need a specific day to acknowledge what I think about daily, it's an odd sort of comfort to know I'm not the only one in the world who feels how I do about missing our angel babies.

A lot had happened in the months since Declan was due. Two of my closest friends have had babies and one more is soon too. The babies are precious and I feel a love for them as I did with all the other babies we've had born into the group. The lump in my throat that I have when I'm around these girls is nothing to do with them as such but as a result of the situation. Seeing their babies so close in age and hearing them talk about what they've ordered on Etsy to decorate the nurseries is literally heart wrenching to listen to. The back and forth stories about how easy their births were makes me want to scream a reminder that only months ago, after a fifteen hour night of labour my son was born with a still heart. And although I had been told to expect that, I never once in all those hours gave up hope that I'd hear him cry at the end of it all. But he didn't cry. And talking about labour brings all those memories to the surface. It's really all too raw to be faking it like this but it's also too wrong to ask them to refrain from topics in which their whole life is absorbed in at the moment. The same emotions could possibly be felt by the one who lost her mom years ago when we speak of our mothers. Same could be said for the one who lost her brother when we talk about our siblings among the group. These woman are my lifelong friends and I love them dearly. They supported me when I was at my weakest and I need to let them bask in the glory they deserve now.

I think having this day as an international awareness has allowed me to be ok with still not being ok. Instead of cleaning my house or running the errands I originally had planned today, I gave in to the draw of a visit to the cemetery and spent it laying in the leaves by the grave stone thinking about what would have been. I will do what you're supposed to do to take part in sharing in our losses. I will watch for the CN Tower and Niagara Falls to light up in Pink and Blue in honour of all angel babies. I'll take part in the Global Wave of Light by lighting a candle at 7pm this evening alongside fellow grieving parents of the world. But I can't imagine having spent this Autumn afternoon doing anything more therapeutic than being there alone with my four little Stars.

Broken Heart Syndrome ..As Described By A Surgeon

I came across this video this morning which ironically was posted on December 16th, 2012 the day I learned my baby had died and had to be soon delivered. I am one of those mothers who has been handed her still hearted baby to hold as described in her story. From a grieving mom's perspective, this doctor sorta gets it.
I had heard his soul through the doppler in my doctors office just a few days earlier. I felt his spirit tumble inside me when he moved. I was scared about a lot of things during this pregnancy but most of all I was afraid that these energies would all end as soon as I had him. But they didn't. I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart in the weeks following his death until the foggy head started to lift a bit and I began to realize he is still a part of me; I do still feel him. When I'm drawn to visit his grave, my heart swells with energy from him. I become emotional when my broken heart emerges to soak up some love and give it the boost it needs to get me through my day. Other times I go to give out the love I need Declan to have from me. Regardless though, I always leave there with a sense of calm in my soul and warmth in my heart because of our connection.
The doctor in this video wants to understand and a lot of what she says makes sense to me. Broken Heart Syndrome is a feeling and this surgeon does a great job at trying to describe what it all means.

Our New Reality

Rest In Peace Among This Garden Of Angels Baby Boy Of Mine

You know how sometimes you wake up from a terrible dream? And for a split second when you first open your eyes you freeze as the thought goes through your mind 'that was just a bad dream, that didn't really happen, everything is ok' followed by a feeling of relief. But for me when I place my hand on my stomach only to feel my flattened belly where my baby bump once was, I realize that nightmare was my reality.

Today marks the date I was due to deliver Declan. As of this moment I have to face the fact that I will not give birth, I will not bring another son home today and the visions I had for our family past April 20th, 2013 have changed. We really haven't made any plans for our summer because we had thought we'd have a baby in tow. Now that we won't we've just avoided booking camping and other events because it doesn't feel right. We envisioned we'd be a family of 'five' for everything we do past today. Having lost him four months ago you'd think I'd have prepared myself for this and these feelings, but the reality is it's too painful to brace yourself for such sadness. Instead of my kids coming to the hospital to meet their new brother, I'll take them over to visit his grave today. Instead of baby toys and clothes, we'll take him some blue roses and star shaped balloons. Although we've had months of grieving his loss already, this is day one of moving forward in our new reality.

Sleeping Sickness

What A Grieving Mother Really Thinks ~Kelly Cummings

Hello, Old Friend,

Oh, yes, you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please

Don’t look away

And change the subject

It’s ok.

You see, at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk,

Come sit with me? 

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail, 

Broke from me…

My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say,

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

~Kelly Cummings

Thanking My Lucky Stars

I had this image etched onto Declan's
gravestone
in honour of my four taken babies.

I felt like I was starting to go crazy in the weeks leading up to me returning to work. My head was spinning, I was doing things that made no sense (caught myself putting a clean pot away in the fridge instead of the cupboard!) I forgot to pick up a good friend one day when we had plans and I was starting to not know the day of the week unless I looked it up on my iPhone. The numbness was starting to wear and I felt overcome with guilt. I was considering seeing someone, a grief counsellor but really felt like that wasn't the answer. They would only tell me something they learned from a text book and that wasn't for me. Then while browsing on social media, I came across a photo that led to where I am now.

A friend posted a picture on Facebook of a Caulbearer Baby born still in the sac with the amniotic fluid and placenta intact. It's very rare this happens; one website said once in every eight hundred thousand births. The doctor told me it's uncommon when I delivered Declan in that state ..but my mind was so distorted by my broken heart and I didn't quite understand what that really meant. It seems these babies are teachers of a higher learning, destined for greatness. After reading more about it I decided to see a Psychic. And my visit to her was life changing.
Once she had validated some truths that would be very big guesses if she wasn't truly connected, I bought into what she wanted to tell me and she told me this:

Sometimes we think the Universe is a cruel place but we humans accidentally make it out to be that way. The Universe only wants for us what is meant for us and through our misunderstandings we think it is out to get us sometimes. She said I wasn't meant to look after a crippled child for the rest of my life (she said crippled, not weak heart or any of the other number of reasons a baby is stillborn.. she said crippled which is in line with our dealings of positive Spina Bifida results leading up to his death) She said she sees guilt weighing on me because I have misunderstood my feelings from the start. She said I feel guilt as a result of looking back at how I reacted when I first realized I was expecting. She said she knows this was a surprise pregnancy and I acted in a way that I'm ashamed of now; in a way that was not typically me at all ..but that I need to see it as it really is which is Extreme Intuition. She told me I'm very connected and I actually knew what I didn't know I knew at that time. I knew I was heading into a storm and that this was going to happen so it was my way of guarding myself in the moment. It was my way of preparing myself for what was to come so I could be strong around everyone I needed to be strong around. She said Declan knows I love him, he knows I hoped as hard as I could even though I knew that energy used in doing so would not change the outcome. But out of love I tried it. She said he will be returned to me in this lifetime; probably through the form of a grandchild. She said she sees four stars above my right shoulder. Each of the other two psychics I've seen in my life have always commented on the star or stars in the same spot; the number they have given each time was representative of the number of miscarriages I had experienced at that point in time interestingly enough. All being said, her message to me was I need to just see it as it really was; a guard resulting from intuition and I have no reason to feel guilty for being so connected; in fact it's a gift and it is not meant to burden me..

I really feel in my soul that my caulbearer baby directed me to this woman to receive this message. I'm not sure if anyone else really understands what that message means but if you've experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth it may give you some insight to changing the way you interpret what you think you feel and it will make a difference to your well being. This message saved me from losing my mind, from being guilt ridden my whole life and has lifted off a tremendous weight. I still feel sad all of the time, I still wonder where I'd be now if I were still carrying him and how things would look going forward. I'm sad for the visions of our future that are lost and I'm sad because I miss being pregnant, feeling him flutter inside. I'm still very sad. I'll always be sad. But I honestly feel freed from the guilt. And I think I have my four Lucky Stars above my right shoulder to thank for that.

The Universe At It's Cruelest

The father with the frozen heart in this video represents the universe at it's cruelest to me; when it uses it's forces to take our children from us.. And although I'm grateful for the children I have, wonder and fear, guilt and sadness will always linger after the losses.

To Be A Man In Grief

Most nights I see the four o'clock hour and every thought that was suppressed in my mind throughout the day surfaces. It's my Witching Hour. There's so much I can't make sense of and my soul finds no rest. I try to be still about it but almost every time I feel my husbands arm wrap around me and he does what he can to settle me. He's had to withstand this just about every night since we lost Declan. Now that the numbing is wearing off and reality is setting in, our hearts have never felt more broken. I throw up out of upset at the most unexpected times. I feel like I'm in a constant daze, I forget things that I shouldn't, put things where they don't belong, write crazy person blog posts that only other moms who have lost their babies can relate to.. It has only just occurred to me that if I feel this way, Chris might too. It's obvious he's changed because of all of this but I've never asked him just how he copes day to day at work and outside of the house, and what he does to fake it. He'd never want to admit that he struggles but I feel him suffering in those 4AM moments. I wonder how much energy it takes to be that brave everyday and admire him for it. I worry about him although I love him even more for being there during my Witching Hour when I need him most.

I came across this poem and it makes me think of Chris.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

We Will Remember You

I had this poem read during Declan's graveside blessing.

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.

The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
"We will remember You"

~Author Unknown

Bringing Balance To My Being

I believe everyone has an energy about them. I believe every thing in the Universe is made up of energy. It surrounds us. It can flow through us giving us a lift. It can escape us and make us feel low. And I believe good energy is infused with love. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive, sometimes you get more than you give but it goes back and forth refreshing your soul with a constant balanced flow. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children and my husband that I love them. I'm drawn to their energies and feed off their glow.

They say that tragedy brings family closer together and I think that might be because we are stilled in those times. The chaos of energies comes to a halt allowing us to grieve. The people who love you hearts will fill naturally with compassion, surround you with warmth and feed you the healing energies you need to get through the process. As you begin to feel better those healing energies pick up the pace little by little and merge back into the good energy flow that is typical of a content soul. In the times of helplessness it's visible who is really there for you; who really cares. These are the people you want to give back to. It's a cycle of unconditional love and is more powerful than any medication could ever heal me. It's human nature at it's finest.

The only flaw to the process is when you learn some of the love in that cycle is actually conditional by someone you're depending on to draw from. Conditional in the sense that they are family, a part of your life, but not your energy flow. It's ok to include them in your life's routines but to expect to hear an I Love You spoken aloud may be crossing the comfort line for these people. Both my mother and sister have never been more absent in my life than they have been in the weeks surrounding the loss of my son. My sister has never acknowledged Declan's passing. These were two beings I assumed because they are family would offer a flow of uplift while we were at our weakest; but instead turned their backs in our time of need. I've often thought to myself if I can get through these circumstances without them then what do I really need them for? ..until I found meaning in it all.

Unconditional love should flow naturally through us but if there are too many negative energies filling someones being then it would block that flow. Misinterpretations, not knowing how to handle situations, selfishness and feeling overwhelmed can create such negativity and blockages in our spirit. Negative energy is heavier than positive energy. We know this, we feel this. So in understanding this, how could I possibly expect such persons to be able to give what they simply do not have? Why have I never understood it like this before, because nothing has changed; it's always been this way. Why did I expect it to be different when I lost my son?! These woman are my blood, but love is not drawn from blood..
I'm fortunate to be gifted with these awarenesses for if I wasn't it would be a shame for how sad life might seem in these times. Instead of of taking their abandonment personally I can wrap some understanding around it and be grateful that I can see it in this way. It makes my life less complicated and I feel an infinite sense of appreciation for those who choose to be a part of it. Those who chose to not take part in my healing process are still seen in my life, but just disconnected from the flow which is unfortunate for them as they cannot benefit from the power this energy cycle can offer them. I could choose to feel alienated by them but instead I forgive out of pity for what they have missed out on. There are plenty of people surrounding me to pick me up when I fall. And I love them back for it, keeping the cycle flowing with all the love infused energy I need to un-still me, make my inner light shine again ..and bring balance to my being.

How I Wonder Where You Are

As a part of the graveside blessing, the reverend spoke about 'stars' and Declan being among them. I was numb that day and can't remember many details but I remember the talk about stars vividly. She quoted the lines "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder Where You Are" and talked about the loss we must feel now that the vision of having him in our lives has changed. After the service some of my best, lifelong girlfriends took me aside and gave me a Swarovski Star ornament, unknowing at the time they bought it that a star would be most significant for that day. Since then, I've noticed more star shaped objects than I ever have before (pottery, magnets, soaps, key chains.. they're everywhere) and today I stumbled across this song Stars by Grace Potter. It was playing on the radio as I pulled into my driveway and it drew me in. I couldn't get out of my car until it was over. I downloaded it right away and over the course of the evening, along with a few glasses of wine, have listened to it a dozen times or more. It speaks to my broken heart.

A Mother's Grief ~Kelly Cummings

A mothers grief - poem

I'm fortunate to be able to say I am surrounded by the love and support of friends & family as I'm learning to cope with the loss of Declan however I came across this poem today and it speaks to my core. It brings me comfort to know that I already have friends who somehow are aware of these words of wisdom, who've reached out their hand for me to hold while I pull myself together to finish a sentence. I don't know what to say either and I'm not comfortable crying in front of people, but when I think of something to say and I want to say it, the warm hand of a good friend who can handle hearing me out is all I really need.
My heart bleeds for the author of this poem.

A Mother's Grief
by
Kelly Cummings

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say ago
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.

Pink & Sarah ~Angel

..Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.

Footprints In Our Still Hearts

One week exactly before Christmas Eve, I knew there was something wrong but everything in me pleaded for the best. The nurse tried with three different devices to find his heartbeat. At one point we heard a faint beat and her eyebrows raised but I knew it was my own. I had heard his heartbeat several times now and that wasn't it. She took my pulse and timed it to the rhythm and her looked changed to one of deflation. I burst into tears. The doctors did a bed side ultrasound then took me into another room for another sonogram. As they gathered around the screen they pointed, nodded heads and tightened their lips. Then one turned to me and said "I'm sorry, your baby has died." They guided me with sympathetic eyes back to my room. And I threw up.
At 6:30pm I was induced and after fifteen long hours of labour, I delivered my son Declan stillborn. I have never in my life been that afraid and sad as I was in that moment. The nurses took him away to wash him and brought him to me all bundled in a warm blanket, but his skin was cold when I touched his face. He was really tiny; 207 grams. And he was beautiful. His features resembled that of my other two sons when they were babies. This made it all too real for me. I kissed his little head that had the smallest knitted white toque I've ever seen covering it and said sorry to him; sorry for failing him, sorry for his discomfort and sorry for his loss of being. I've been told over and over there is nothing I could have done to have prevented this from happening but I think you'd have to be a mom in my position to understand my apologies. I told him I love him, I said goodbye then Chris took him from me before handing him to the nurse. She left our room and brought back a tiny green box. In in she had photographs of him, a baby bracelet that said 'Declan' and a card with a heart on it where she had stamped his little footprints. Other than holding that memory box, we left the hospital with empty arms.
The days following are a blur. With what I just had to endure emotionally and physically, I now had to plan the burial for my son. I don't know how it all came together but it did. The reverend, the piper, the memory cards, choosing his grave site, registering his death, arranging for the hearse.. somehow we did it. The boys chose three little stuffed animals to put in his casket to represent our three babies who we lost through miscarriages over the years. We also got him a baby stocking, a Christmas ornament that says 'Love At First Sight' and a blanket the kids knit for him the day we told them we had lost him. I had him wrapped in a white knit blanket my Gran had made for Carter ten years ago; one that Callum had also used as a baby. I hope Declan feels the love that surrounds him.
On Friday December 21st, 2012 the day the world was supposed to end, we buried our son. As we drove to the cemetery we saw his hearse drive by. I was numbed by the sight. When we got there the graveyard was full of my most cherished friends and family, but I couldn't look any of them in the eye for if I did I would crumble. And I needed to be strong for this. I didn't want my last moments with my son above ground to be wasted in only sorrow. I still had more I needed to tell him and I could not afford the time it would cost to become distracted. I could not feel my legs through the entire service and my tears blurred everything around me but I knew I was surrounded by people who were there for us. I could feel the strength from their kind words and thoughts holding me up in my moment of weakness as I thought I hate the word today, no one should ever have to bury their child.
Leaving him in his little coffin on top of the plot where he would later be buried will forever bother me. It is an image I wake up to every night. A good mother does not leave her children unattended. Ever. I worry that he wasn't warm enough, I'm scared that he is scared.
I'm not sure where to go from here but I think once I am ready to accept my guilt, my grief, my loss, I will bundle it up and place it in the spot of stillness I have carved out in my heart for Declan. I will never be the same because of losing him. I plan to learn how to carry this with me in a way that it does not become an obstacle in my life going forward; for the sake of my little family. I feel my soul now holds new life lessons on karma, on love and on loss because of his existence. My baby boy has shown me that even the smallest feet can leave an imprint on this world. With that I will try to make the world a better place in his honour.
If love alone could have saved you my son you never would have died.
Rest In Peace Declan Christopher
December 17, 2012

Declan Christopher, our Angel Baby ~December 17, 2012 - December 17, 2012

My Darling Child ~Sinead O'Connor

My darling child

My darling baby
My darling child
You gave life to me
My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me
My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me
Me little ninja
My little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely boy
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite boy
My angel babby
Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me love me boy
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy 

Fingers Crossed

I've held back from putting it up on Facebook, I've kept it off Twitter but I'll post here. It's safe here, and I see there were a number of views on my page already this month but with nothing new shared by me.

Tomorrow I'll have hit week 22 of my pregnancy. But everyday for the last few weeks have been a waiting game to see how much longer this pregnancy will last. I'm High Risk and the environment in which the baby is thriving is not good. The placenta isn't doing it's job to nourish him, there are signs of kidney failure and my amniotic fluid is too low. We've been given the option of terminating ..twice. And both times when we refused we were told to brace ourselves for what we could be facing in the weeks to come. The words "....possibility you will deliver still born, and if not, your baby will die shortly after birth...." came out very matter of fact from my doctor's mouth. I watched her lips move over every word and couldn't believe I had to hear that aloud. I knew it already in my head, I felt it in my heart, but for it to be spoken out loud was crushing to my soul.

There's a lot of guilt that surrounds me in relation to this pregnancy. When I first discovered I was expecting I was less than thrilled. I'm thirty-seven years old with children who will be 11 and almost 9 by the time my due date comes around. This was not in my plan and I was pretty vocal about that. It's how I truly felt in the moment and so this is why I believe Karma has come to teach me a lesson. The realization of "You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone." I've always felt that I have so much good in my life because I put out an effort to do good in this world, and it comes back full circle to me. In this scenerio it did just that with a reaction which will sacrifice the health of my unborn child. I don't encounter negative reactions very often. And when I do I accept them, because I understand and believe in the process. Of course people's reactions are to tell me that there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this. But I think there is. And I blame myself entirely. So before I move forward in this post, stop feeling sorry for me; I don't deserve it. I'm writing because I see that some of my most read posts are the ones about my miscarriages and my children. And if what I have to write here connects to what anyone else out there is feeling then it's worth it for you to know you're not alone.

I was born to be a Mom. It was my childhood dream career. And although there's no University degree or College diploma that can give you the credentials you need in order to be a mother, I have a pretty good resume making me an excellent candidate for the job.

Here are my top five reasons why:

First I have experience; I have two boys who I couldn't be more proud of. Second, I'm reliable. I can be counted on. Third I'm compassionate. I raise my children with value of consideration for other beings and teach them that having a heart matters a lot. Fourth I'm understanding and forgiving. If they learn from their mistakes then they're living life on the right path. Fifth I'm strong. I can take care of myself as well as everyone else around me.

....but these past few weeks, I'm failing at it all.

Here are my top five reasons why:

First, my little boys see me cry everyday. There are no good days and bad days; they are all just days with good and bad moments throughout them. And those moments are unpredictable. Second, I can't plan do do very much because I'm so drained emotionally, physically and mentally from over thinking it all. Third, I'm starting to feel compassion burn out. I need to focus my passion for compassion on my baby and concentrate that energy on making him stronger, but I feel burned out; my inner light is dim. Fourth, although I'm understanding it all I'm not forgiving of it at all. Not one bit. I should get a pass on this for all the other good I've put out there, ..no?! I think so. Some would call me self righteous for thinking that but it's how I feel. I'm angry. I hate that my baby is suffering and there is nothing anyone can do for him. And that I am housing all that suffering internally. It's hard to forgive life for putting me in such a helpless situation. And fifth, I'm at my weakest. The feeling of waiting for the day where your baby's heart might stop beating, or that my water will break and I'll deliver him dead is unexplainable. There is no way to know what this feels like unless you've been here. I've never before had such a fear of the unknown. I find strength to put on a face to visit with a friend and to tell the family I'm ok ..but it takes a lot of energy to fake it. I need to be taken care of and don't know how to make that known. I've never been this fragile.

I'm failing miserably at everything that I think makes me so great at the mommy job, ....making it even more difficult to turn my Karma around and make it right. But I believe in the power of the universe. I need to get it together and change the expected outcome for me and my boy by thinking positively. In my good moments of the day I feel a surge of hope flow through me and I'm banking that right into the heart of my baby living inside me. And day after day, that will amount to big hopes.

I've never loved anything more in my life than this little life I've created; I think he feels that. I cannot lose him now. I'm surrounded by love which gives me hope. And in hope I'll find the strength to take care of us both. I can't expect anyone to do anything for us except to send good vibes our way. It's really all up to the Mommy in me to pull this off..

(Fingers crossed, please)

Hold On my love, my new best friend, my new baby boy. Don't leave me.

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell.

Hold on
Hold on to yourself.
You know that only time can tell

What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing.

My love
You know that you're my best friend.
You know that I'd do anything for you
And my love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true.

Am I in heaven here or
Am I in Hell
At the crossroads I am standing.

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And will see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face.

Oh God,
If you're out there won't you hear me.
I know that we've never talked before

And oh God,
The man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door.

Am I in heaven here or
Am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing.

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccYFWcqBNS4