Sleeping Sickness

Stubborn Love

So many marriages fall apart but I'd like to think Chris and I are in ours for the long haul. We're high school sweethearts so in a way we have grown up together. When we were young we created such a strong foundation that it will stabilize us for life, ..hopefully. Life's ups and downs have been a true test to what we can withstand. As fragile as we both are in these months following the loss of our baby we know that in the thick, heavy, foggy haze that surrounds us both (sometimes making one of us act a little crazier than usual) there is still that stubborn love that will always push through there to hold us together.

To Be A Man In Grief

Most nights I see the four o'clock hour and every thought that was suppressed in my mind throughout the day surfaces. It's my Witching Hour. There's so much I can't make sense of and my soul finds no rest. I try to be still about it but almost every time I feel my husbands arm wrap around me and he does what he can to settle me. He's had to withstand this just about every night since we lost Declan. Now that the numbing is wearing off and reality is setting in, our hearts have never felt more broken. I throw up out of upset at the most unexpected times. I feel like I'm in a constant daze, I forget things that I shouldn't, put things where they don't belong, write crazy person blog posts that only other moms who have lost their babies can relate to.. It has only just occurred to me that if I feel this way, Chris might too. It's obvious he's changed because of all of this but I've never asked him just how he copes day to day at work and outside of the house, and what he does to fake it. He'd never want to admit that he struggles but I feel him suffering in those 4AM moments. I wonder how much energy it takes to be that brave everyday and admire him for it. I worry about him although I love him even more for being there during my Witching Hour when I need him most.

I came across this poem and it makes me think of Chris.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

Saying Goodbye

I Love My Not So High Places Life

Like many days, I spent the morning cleaning my house. Today I tackled the kids bathroom; bleached the toilet (yes ..bleach, I know, I know..) scrubbed the tub, disinfected the sinks, mopped the floor and changed the shower curtain. It's quite a chore for a little space but as I was working away I realized that I really like what I'm doing. I have a sense of pride in my accomplishment when I clean my home; the place where I eat, sleep, hang out and raise my family in.
I used to work full time. I loved my job and for that time in my life it was a good fit. I'd sometimes feel mentally drained at the end of the day and would want to do nothing more than lay on the couch and watch TV. And that was okay because I could. No one else really depended on me then. I gave it my all during the day; put out all the energy I had in me to be sure the work I did reflected a job well done and in the awesome cycle of energy I would gain back from that what I needed to put into another day. And so on and so on ..until I became a Mom. I had my son in the daycare centre in my place of employment; very convenient some might assume! But I hated it. I hated the rushed mornings where he would have to hoover his toaster waffle down in the commute, I hated leaving him with other people, strangers, who would get to witness him take his first steps, I hated having to feed him dinner at my desk because I had to work later hours than what the daycare was open, I hated that I was so mentally and physically drained by the end of the day that I had no desire to do anything else with my son once we got home ....I hated it all. But it didn't last long. In a matter of months I was expecting again, gave birth to my second son and never returned to work again. Instead I set up shop in my home and for six wonderful years I ran a home based child care centre and never ever missed what I once had. A few years into doing daycare in my friend from my previous place of employment called me with an offer I couldn't refuse. She had a very part time position in which she wanted me to take for five hours per week on the weekend. It was perfect for me then and since the children have all grown up and my childcare business phased itself out I've taken on more hours. I couldn't be happier.
I've been offered positions in the last few years, one of which was with the head office and would have required me to travel, which was not an option at all for this homebody. Recently another one has come my way and I've felt sick about it since it was put out there. As I cleaned my boy's bathroom I thought about my friends in high places; how my teacher friends, lawyer friends, police friends, real estate friends and top business exec friends manage their work/life balance and realized the things that occupy my life are not a part of theirs. They have people to clean their homes, a nanny to watch their children and cook their meals (and who they also take on vacations with them) They have gardeners to tend to their lawns so that they can spend their weekends at the cottage in the summer and someone to shovel the snow and hang their Christmas lights so they can be away at the condo skiing in the winter. Some have their kids in private schools and others take vacations a few times per year. (and some do both) If I could bring home a decent salary, which I believe this position would pay, we could have a few of those extra luxuries as well, ..but I don't want them. I like it here where I am. I don't mind cleaning my own mess up and scrubbing my bathrooms. I like cooking a homemade meal for my family. I don't travel much because I don't care to. Shovelling snow counts as my workout some winter mornings. I like my not high places life. I feel so much anxiety around being away from my home life any more than I already am. When will I find time to do the grocery shopping let alone plan a menu for the week?! Who will balance the bank book and get the bills paid? What if something goes technically wrong at work one day where I have to stay late and miss out on one of my kids activities? Who will get them to Baseball, Soccer, Swimming, Tennis etc etc?! When will I have time shop for the perfect gift when they are invited to the birthday parties of classmates, or for the family or for Christmas? How do I squeeze in time to take them for haircuts every month, when do I go get my nails done, when do I plan our little camping getaways or water park weekends, when do you go for bike rides and ice cream, when do I do date night with my husband or go out with friends without feeling I'm sacrificing family time, what about dentist and doctor appointments and what about volunteering on school trips?! When that time is consumed with working more hours, how do I manage it all? Because for me to take on a full time, mentally draining job such as the one on my plate right now it would have to enhance my life, not take away from it. Soon enough my kids will be old enough to stay home by themselves, make plans on their own and I'll be needed less. But I like that they need me right now.
And as I stood on the steps of my bathtub hanging the new shower curtain I looked around at the sparkly sight of my hard work and realized nothing I'll ever be offered from any employer will ever compare to the sense of accomplishments I feel from being a housewife/good mommy. Yes, I have friends in high places, but for now I love my not so high places life.

Push ~Sarah McLachlan

Of every Sarah song there is, this one makes me think of my husband most.

Happy Daddy's Day

My husband is so much more than just the 'father' of my children. He's a Daddy. He takes pride in his family and is a super Dad. He's hard working; he provides a very full and enriching lifestyle for us and doesn't often complain. He puts up with a lot but handles it all in a masculine laid back sort of way. I can't really describe him , he's like no one else I've ever met. He's the Dad who goes to every Swim Lesson, Soccer, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball Game and helps out with the team where needed. He knows all of the kids by name.
He cooks, he does laundry, empties the dishwasher and occasionally will even mop the floor. He is a mentor to our children and shares what fascinating facts on nature he knows. (and he knows a lot!) He's the Dad who does homework with the boys at the kitchen table while dinner is cooking and helps them to better understand the complexities of mathematics and science that I could never begin to teach them. His mind amazes me; he's a smart cookie.
He's creative too. He's the Dad who helps the boys to build castles out of cardboard boxes and paints them for school projects. He encourages them to add more detail in their drawings and gives them tips on learning to draw; again, something else I myself could not teach my children! He kicks my ass at Draw Something every time.
He takes us on family vacations, camping trips, bike rides, movies, batting cages, mini putting, waterparks, and so much more. He has dreams for what we'll do and where we'll go in the future.
He makes sure that we are all well taken care of. Today with it being Father's Day, you'd think he'd take the day off and sit back but so far thats not the case. He made my morning coffee, wants to take us out for breakfast and then is coming home to get dinner ready for his own father.
He's a good man, this Charlie Brown of mine! <3 Happy Daddy's Day, Christopher <3
"Anyone can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy" ~Proverb

I'm Thankful For This Life I'm Living And For Every Soul Who Has A Part In It

Today is Thanksgiving Day. It's the time of year when I tend to take a closer look at where I'm at in my journey of life and appreciate all that has made me fortunate enough to be where I am on the path. I have a beautiful family and carry on a lifestyle that reflects who I really am inside....who could ask for anything more? My dreams are my reality. I'm thankful for this life I'm living and for every soul who has a part in it.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

My Whole Life

I believe our Whole Being looks something like a pie shape and is made up of many different pieces, created by our passions. I think some people try too hard to find themselves in order to feel as though they "fit in" to a specific category or type of person and I kinda think they've got it all wrong. We're naturally drawn to certain people, music and other things in life.. When we focus on the things we love, we flourish and it contributes to the person we are as a whole. If we continually add positivemess into our lives, the negativeness will be easier to digest when it comes our way. It's all about balance.
Some of my greatest passions in my life are my family, my children. They fill me with light and absolutely amaze me each and everyday. I couldn't ask for a better husband or father to my boys than Chris. He keeps them in line while tolerating all that a good Daddy should tolerate. He loves us with all his heart.... and it shows. When I think about my kids or look at them, I'm amazed that we contributed in creating such beauty in this lifetime already. If I raise them right, they will do good things for our world.... the possibilities of what they can accomplish are limitless. I'm not sure if I can even describe in wordes how that makes me feel. But it's another piece that fills my pie proudly!
I like most people. Not all people, but most. There are strangers and aquintences who pass through my life who make my day right through conversation, gestures or vibes, but I have friends who have the capability to actually make my soul smile. When people intentionally or unintentionally drain energy from me I have an awareness about it and so I can handle it before it gets too low. All of these people, negative or positive, play a part in making me whole.
I'm drawn and facinated by things that other people may never aknowledge. These things lift my spirit, clear my mind and give me the piece of the pie that I'd say is driven by desire. It's an appreciation for a deep breath of fresh air on a warm sunny day knowing I need to contribute in everyway I can to save this planet so our future generations can experience that too. It's the joy I feel in watching someone play the guitar and know that I am capable of learning it too. It's the sense of willingness I experience when I think about people who are less fortunate in this world and knowing I have it in me to make a difference for them somehow, someway in this lifetime. It's knowing how to get a little crazy and have fun but with style and grace. There is always a desire to stay classy in all that I do. Doesn't mean I actually do this all the time, just means it's what I strive for. It's also about standing up for what I know is right and doing all I can to stop what is wrong such as child/slave labour, animal cruelty and so very much more, but in a way that I can be taken seriously. There is negetivity that can surround desire as well and so through my experiences I've learned ways to deal with it.
This wholeness as I know today will expand as I grow but the lessons within the pieces won't change. Everything I do, everyone I've encountered, every place I've been to, have all contributed to where I am at right now....And I really like where I'm at right now. I love my Whole Life.

Eric Clapton~Wonderful Tonight

My hearts overflows with the feeling of love when I hear this song. It makes me think of Date Nights and how much needed they are to stay in tune and connected within our relationships.

Another Year Almost Over And A New One Is Near ~Goodbye & Thank You 2010

Like in John Lennon's song Happy Christmas, another year is almost over and a new one is near. Reflecting back to where I was when 2010 first arrived, I see that all I had set out for myself was accomplished. We made those trips, we celebrated those milestones and grew up a little bit more together both as a family and as individuals.

Chris and I have always been very in sync. As in any relationship, there are sometimes bumps in the road but they result in proving the power of our love, patience and gratitude for each other. He gives me the world, my world that I thought out and created in my head as a kid, and has helped me work into to making it a reality. He has taught me dreams do come true. I let things get too hectic sometimes in 2010 and he called me out on a few occasions where we seemed distant. Amidst the chaos of our lives, we re-connect, ignite the flame and carry on. I love him more than ever.

Carter has gone and grown up on me this year. He knows things about iPods and music and life and the planet that I didn't teach him. He's absorbed and learned because he's found his own interests and sourced out the answers. He's developed his own opinions about things and I literally glow inside when I hear him speak of his findings.  

Callum still needs me for a lot of things that Carter does not however he has become more independent than ever before. He doesn't hold back when expressing his emotions and this is obvious from the stories he tells me about school friend relationships. He made my heart melt when he told me the lunch monitors laughed at him when he dropped his lunch bag on the floor and everything spilled out, but I was beaming with pride when he told me how he handled the situation. "I told them thats not very respectful and you should be helping me pick this up and if you were nice lunch monitors you'd do that and show respectfulness to me" Ahhhh.... thatta boy!!

Then there's me. I've most definitely grown as an individual this year. I've had more opportunities to engage in my passions of making the world a better place. The little bit that I contribute amongst my duties of being who I am to everyone else in my life, makes me feel whole. In reflecting all that I've experienced this year I've started creating my Twenty-Eleven New Years Resolutions List. Last year I had said I wanted to take Ballroom Dance Lessons.... CHECK! Did it and loved them. I also said I wanted to do more in the spirit of animal rights issues and share my knowledge in good and appropriate ways.... CHECK! Did that and will carry that over to my 2011 list as well. One resolution I didn't do well at keeping was that I planned to say "no" more often to people. I get asked a lot of favours and I have a natural tendency to just say yes then figure out how I'm gonna do it after I've opened my mouth. I can't say "yes" to everyone and feel good about it all the time because sometimes my commitments are intrusive to my family and cause upset amongst us. I need to concentrate more on who really needs me to do things for them in comparison to those who just want me to do things for them. For those who need me, need me because I make a difference in their lives and so I am swayed to do things for them out of love. If I'm not feelin' the love or the true need vibe, then I'll make my decisions accordingly. Once I really differentiate the two, I'll do better at yes and no's.  

So as 2010 was a year for growth & milestones in my family, I think 2011 will be a year for gratitude and enjoying the life we have. I plan to take life just a little bit slower this coming year and focus on the things that truly make my soul shine. Hopefully the reflection of that energy I create will bounce back to those I love so we can all live warm with gratitude for all that we have. As we approach the new year with a deep appreciation for the past one, I say Stay Grateful, Happy Holidays & Peace On Earth.

It's The Most Overwhelming Time Of The Year!

So I'm back from my annual Girls Shopping Weekend and have made a good dent in my list of who I need to buy for.... I should be be feeling ahead of the game at this point. Instead, the overwhelming, almost paralyzing feelings of Christmas preparation are hitting me. There are still cards to do & mail, gifts to wrap & some still to buy, a house to decorate inside & out with TWO trees to put up, meals to plan & dinners to host, events to be at etc etc etc. And this is all on top of what needs to be done on a regular basis around here like housework, errands, homework & kids activities. And when it's all over my family & kids will have more material things than they really need (but someone less fortunate might) and I'll have spent a small fortune that could have gone towards doing better in the world.  These are the motions I go through each and every year.

But I've made a decision. It's still early. It's December 1st and I have 24 more sleeps til Santa comes and that is my most favourite part. Although that might sound hypocritical to what I've just said about materialism, but it's not about what he brings. It's about believing in him and all the wonder that goes along with his story. It's the magical part of Christmas that only my kids can create for me and I'm unsure just how much longer I'll get to enjoy that. So, I've made the decision to do one thing at a time, delegate some of the wrapping to my husband and try to stay positive this season.  Afterall, it's supposed to be the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year! (I can do this!! Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming)

I Don't Give A Damn About My Bad Reputation

Although I'm not a strong leader, I'd like to think I've never been much of a follower. My girlfriends to this day expect me to make the plans and organize our events for our group. It's just always been that way. I am the decision maker for most things in my life. I'm a mom and a wife and I tend to play a leading role in the planning of our day to day lives. With so many decisions to have to make, I've learned to be quick about it and I've stopped over thinking a lot of things. Sometimes in retrospect I see that I could have made a better choice had I given it more thought but in that particular moment if I felt (and I base most of my decisions of emotion... I know this about myself) it was the right thing to do, then I'm ok with that and will stand behind why I did what I did. It's just the way it is. And people get pissed off with some of the things I say and do. They judge when I do things like take my children to animal rights demonstrations  or raise them differently than they are used to but as long as I can be honest with myself and feel good about what I say and do, then I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. ; )

Diamonds Are Not This Girls Best Friend

Just a few short months ago, my husband and I went out shopping for my new diamond ring. We're celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary this year and I suggested getting a new wedding set.... I felt as though I should get a newer, bigger diamond because I had somehow earned it and that it was owed to me. Chris had me try on rings that cost more than I would spend on a new car and as beautiful as they were to look at, they didn't feel right on me. There was something unknown that just didn't sit well. Our anniversary is fast approaching and so I have been learning as much as I can recently in order to make the best decision. I've spoken to many retailers and diamond specialists and have learned a lot about cuts, clarity, colour, weight etc.
Then.... through research online, I discovered articles on the unfair labour, bloodshed, brutality and the loss of precious life that comes as a result of people like myself who purchase these precious gems. I honestly had no idea. I know... I've lived a sheltered life but this is no excuse to not know about something this huge! I've been misinformed about these stones and feel ill reading about all that goes on in the diamond industry. Conflict diamonds, blood diamonds and child labour articles are swarming the internet, yet still we don't talk enough about them. It's so easy for people to turn a blind eye when their eyes are filled with the gleaming sparkle of carats I guess.
I've since taken a good look at the role I play in our marriage and have put much thought into what it is I thought a big shiny diamond ring would do for me. I've realized wearing it would represent many things to many people's eyes, but the feeling I'd have would not be a good representation of who I am or of the word "reward" at all. It would go against all that I stand for in terms of world peace first of all and second, the love I get from my family is the ultimate reward for being who and what I am to them. Thanks anyways, but no diamond needed here.

It Takes Two To Tango

Who knew that all it would take is a few dance lessons to re-connect and find a new way to have a little fun every week? 
For years I've been asking my husband to take lessons with me and for years he's flat out refused. At Christmas, my wonderful Mother-in-law bought me a gift certificate and told me to go ahead and take whoever I wanted..... but I wanted Chris to go with me so I waited. And waited and waited and waited. Every once in awhile I'd mention it and he'd shut me down. Finally, after five months of asking (and waiting) he caved and I booked our first lesson!
I pretty much had to drag him in from the parking lot when we got there but an hour later as we were leaving he confessed to having a good time because it was with me. There's something about having to look into each others eyes as you move through the steps that re-connects what has always been there. Although we do Date Nights, we hang out watching TV and we plan family weekends away, we seldom do get to do something outside of the house that requires this much focus on each other and without the kids. We race through our chaotic lives of parenthood each and everyday, trying to keep the household running smooth and sometimes the romance does get lost in that shuffle.
I only love him more for doing this with me. Good thing it takes two to tango!

"I realized that if I'm obsessing about my own feelings,

I'm not present with the people around me-and frankly 

of no use to them."-Jane Lynch

Welcome 2010

It was 10 years ago today that Chris proposed to me. Amidst all the Y2K chaos that night, he asked me to be his wife. That was a milestone for us. This next year will be full of events marking significance for us.

Seventeen years old & Seventeen years together. In March, Chris and I will celebrate our Dating Anniversary which we do every year, but this particular year will mark our seventeenth year together. I was seventeen when we started dating. I had an lived an entire lifetime before I met him! I lived my whole childhood before him. Now we've spent that same amount of time together as a couple where we've merged our lives and created our own family. It's a bit mind boggling for me, really. But pleasantly mind boggling.

I'll be turning 35 in April which I feel great about. My Aunt Hannah passed away from cancer at age 34 leaving behind her nine year old daughter, and this entire past year I've thought a lot about that. No one has any idea how grateful I am to be celebrating my 35th year. And I'm grateful for all that I've accomplished, acquired and been a part of to this point in my life. To celebrate my birthday, we're planning a trip to NYC... somewhere we've never been and we plan on leaving the kids at home with the Grandparents for the few days we're away... again another milestone for us. We've never been away from our kids for more than an overnight sleep over. We've never done a vacation away together without them ever. They're always with either Chris or myself. We love our kids and we like being with them. This will be an experience for us.

Of course 2010 also marks our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. We'll celebrate this in August and hopefully get back to British Columbia (WITH our kids!) which is where we spent most of our honeymoon after being in Alaska. The mountains and the ocean have taken my breath away before and I can't think of a better place to celebrate this anniversary.

So when I think about the decade that just passed us by I can smile knowing I made good use of those years. When I look ahead to what is before us, I can see there is a lot to look forward to.

Welcome 2010.

You're The One True Thing I Know I Can Believe In

I really wasn't feeling the Christmas Spirt this year but my amazing husband stepped in and helped me pull it all together. There are a lot of songs that make me think of Chris and his awesomeness but this Sarah song Push is the one that describes us best I think.

"You're the one true thing I know I can believe in"

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

[CHORUS]

Kisses & Love

Carter has started to comment about certain boys at school having "girlfriends" and how so and so "kissed each other" It's really quite comical how they interpret affection at such a young age, aside from what they know as being normal amongst family members. Even in high school, a sign of affection meant something BIG; it was a possibility. If a guy were to kiss you, like on the cheek kiss you, it could mean this is leading somewhere. If the word LOVE ever came up, you might as well consider yourself married and if it came from a girlfriend then you just might be a lesbian.... but it was up to your friends to come to a conclusion. Basically, you just avoid all signs of affection unless you were really into someone. It's confusing. I can see why Carter is all talk about this.

It's funny how that all changes as you age and as you mature. My girlfriends and their husbands would never leave my house without giving me good bye kisses. If I drop them off at home after being out... thank you kisses. If we run into each other unexpectedly..... happy to see you kisses. If we show up at each others places unannounced.... welcome kisses. When we meet at a restaurant for dinner.... glad you could make it kisses. If something sad happens.... so sorry kisses. There is no thinking twice about it. It's an expectation.

And the word Love is used more openly as an adult, I think because it goes hand in hand with the word Respect. My friends and I say I love you a lot. And we mean it. It's so great when you get to this point in your life where our nervousness, ego and guard can be let down and you can show people how you really feel about them without any awkwardness. Trying to explain this to someone as young as Carter just wouldn't make sense. Trying to explain it to anyone who isn't in a committed relationship probably couldn't make sense of it either, now that I think about it. You almost have to go through all the motions and emotions before you really get it. You have to feel grounded, solid and secure of yourself and your relationships. I believe it comes with age. Guess I'll have to wait til he is 30-something and giving congratulations kisses, good by kisses etc etc to his friends spouses before he will truly understand how it all works. For now, it seems he is too busy with playground weddings for this kind of talk so it'll have to wait.