For My Ambivalent Mother On Mother's Day

If my mom happens to be celebrating Mother's Day today then this is from me to Sandra. This song has been interpreted by many people and in so many different angles but for me it defines my life in terms of trying to be the reflection of my mother that she wanted me to be. She had to have control over everything we did that might say something about her. And we were mindful of that. But if she had stood back and let us be who we really are, I believe she would have been pleasantly surprised by our nature. And no, not everything I did or wanted to do in my life would have been okayed by Sandra but it really would have been okay overall. Instead, I lived my childhood in fear of disappointing her. I was constantly climbing a mountain to reach her, to connect with her and even though I felt I had made it to the top many times, she could never admit to my accomplishments even though my presence there couldn't be ignored. Instead she'd see me there then find a way to push me down again. In recent years I discovered that the bottom of that mountain is where I actually belong. There are people here, children, friends, family who need me and I can't spend my life trying to reach Sandra anymore. The last time I feel I was at the top of that mountain I was expecting my youngest son. I hadn't seen my mom this delighted in years and she couldn't wait to start shopping and telling all her friends. I felt as though I had done it again. Reached the top and had made her proud. But then the baby's kidneys failed him, I lost him and through it all I lost her too. The landslide brought me back down to where I belong, where love lives. To the friends and family who care about me as I am. Brought me back down to the people who laid low with me at my weakest and who stand to support me when I have strength. This is where I belong. I wonder if Sandra sees me in her reflection way up there. I wonder if she is tired from striving to be at the top all the time, trying not to slide away from it. Holding such control of a life she thinks she wants instead of living the life she could instead enjoy. One with children and grandchildren. One with holidays and celebrations. It's too much of a struggle for me to constantly strive to reach her up there and she's far too strong willed for the landslide to ever bring her down. So it is what it is. I celebrate Mother's Day as I'm grateful to be a mom. If Sandra is celebrating Mother's Day hopefully it's because she grateful for some part of her motherhood experience.

Do What You Have To Do -Sarah McLachlan

Got my Sarah McLachlan tickets today for her Shine On Tour! This song has been on my mind lately so it's getting posted today :)

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

Strong Enough To Be My Man

I do not have an eccentric career like these ladies but I do live a full life. Aside from being a mom I am a wife to a very understanding man who puts up with my craziness. He supports me in my animal welfare pursuits, puts up with my social life and allows me to be me. I'm not so sure anyone else in this world be more tolerant of my lifestyle than Chris :)

The Mother We Share

This song speaks volumes.

Amazing Grace -Sinead O'Connor

For the most part I visit Declan's site in good spirit. It's not a place I always associate with sadness; it's somewhere I go to for comfort, re-energizing and to maintain balance within my being. This morning at the cemetery I watched a couple walk around the grounds with the graveyard administrative person, selecting a plot. The man from the office had his clipboard and his map in hand and pointed to certain locations; the same way he did when he walked us around to choose Declan's place of rest. It's the first time I've seen that man since that day and the sight of him reminded me of what strength it took for us to do that. The conversations about the planning came flooding back, the sadness that surrounded us at that time and the fear of what was to come hit me all over again when I saw that man and his map. And those memories began to weaken me today.
But something distracted me from the upset, something intriguing. I swear, in the far distance I could hear the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace, just as we had the piper play at the finale of Declan's funeral. The song seemed to fade in and out but it was playing and I don't think it was just in my head. There must have been someone in one of the nearby fields practising. Regardless, it had a stilling effect and made it's presence at the most opportune time, reminding me to stay focussed on what I've learned through all of this. Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life. But there are messages within all of these encounters for us to recognize, accept and act upon. I left with a sense of balance in my spirit once again. I believe Amazing Grace was a message today and the sweet sound saved a wretch like me..


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Black Keys Covering The Weight by The Band

Blackfish Documentary

This documentary looks amazing and I'm hoping to get out with my friends from HALT to see it in Toronto. Check the TIFF website here for showtimes.

Blurred Lines -Robin Thicke

So You Tube has banned this version of Robin Thicke's really fun song because there are a few topless woman in it ..yet they continue to allow violence and other disturbing graphic nature to be shown in so MANY other videos posted on their site. The world has bigger problems we can focus our attention to. So fitting that this song title is 'Blurred Lines'..
I'm posting it unless they go and pull it from Vevo as well. It's 2013; I say slap an advisory on it and let it play.

ps: Please be advised there are boobs in this video..

Sleeping Sickness

Stubborn Love

So many marriages fall apart but I'd like to think Chris and I are in ours for the long haul. We're high school sweethearts so in a way we have grown up together. When we were young we created such a strong foundation that it will stabilize us for life, ..hopefully. Life's ups and downs have been a true test to what we can withstand. As fragile as we both are in these months following the loss of our baby we know that in the thick, heavy, foggy haze that surrounds us both (sometimes making one of us act a little crazier than usual) there is still that stubborn love that will always push through there to hold us together.

The Universe At It's Cruelest

The father with the frozen heart in this video represents the universe at it's cruelest to me; when it uses it's forces to take our children from us.. And although I'm grateful for the children I have, wonder and fear, guilt and sadness will always linger after the losses.

How I Wonder Where You Are

As a part of the graveside blessing, the reverend spoke about 'stars' and Declan being among them. I was numb that day and can't remember many details but I remember the talk about stars vividly. She quoted the lines "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder Where You Are" and talked about the loss we must feel now that the vision of having him in our lives has changed. After the service some of my best, lifelong girlfriends took me aside and gave me a Swarovski Star ornament, unknowing at the time they bought it that a star would be most significant for that day. Since then, I've noticed more star shaped objects than I ever have before (pottery, magnets, soaps, key chains.. they're everywhere) and today I stumbled across this song Stars by Grace Potter. It was playing on the radio as I pulled into my driveway and it drew me in. I couldn't get out of my car until it was over. I downloaded it right away and over the course of the evening, along with a few glasses of wine, have listened to it a dozen times or more. It speaks to my broken heart.

Pink & Sarah ~Angel

..Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.

Comfortably Numb ~Roger Waters & Eddie Vedder

Cyndi & Sarah, the perfect mix! Time After Time

Teach Your Children

Remember this one?! Love it. Such harmony among their voices; lifts up my spirit every time I hear it :)

Angel ~Sarah McLachlan

Sometimes we need an angel in our life. These are some of my most favourite Sarah lyrics and although this song has been interpreted in so many ways; drug addiction, suicide etc I read it as simply as a journey of hope in freeing your mind. However you interpret this song, enjoy it even if just for the melody; it's beautiful.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance,
For a break that would make it okay.

There's always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it's hard, at the end of the day.

I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.

Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here,
From this dark, cold hotel room,
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.

It don't make no difference,
Escape one last time.
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
That brings me to my knees.

You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.

Days Away

This is a really beautiful video about moms made by moms.

  

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Shame On You ~Indigo Girls at Lilith Fair 1997

"We're looking for illegal immigrants, can we check your car?' I said 'Funny I think we were all on the same boat back in 1694!" ..Greatest line in this song.

Lilith Fair 1997 ~Sarah McLachlan, Indigo Girls, Jewel....

I saw these amazing women perform this beautiful Joni Mitchell song live at Lilith Fair 1997 in Detroit, MI at the Pine Knob Music Theatre. I'm sure it's already on this blog somewhere but it deserves a re-post.