Strong Enough To Be My Man

I do not have an eccentric career like these ladies but I do live a full life. Aside from being a mom I am a wife to a very understanding man who puts up with my craziness. He supports me in my animal welfare pursuits, puts up with my social life and allows me to be me. I'm not so sure anyone else in this world be more tolerant of my lifestyle than Chris :)

Happy Fathers Day, Chris!

My boys couldn't dream of a more amazing Daddy

He is their superman :)

Sleeping Sickness

Stubborn Love

So many marriages fall apart but I'd like to think Chris and I are in ours for the long haul. We're high school sweethearts so in a way we have grown up together. When we were young we created such a strong foundation that it will stabilize us for life, ..hopefully. Life's ups and downs have been a true test to what we can withstand. As fragile as we both are in these months following the loss of our baby we know that in the thick, heavy, foggy haze that surrounds us both (sometimes making one of us act a little crazier than usual) there is still that stubborn love that will always push through there to hold us together.

To Be A Man In Grief

Most nights I see the four o'clock hour and every thought that was suppressed in my mind throughout the day surfaces. It's my Witching Hour. There's so much I can't make sense of and my soul finds no rest. I try to be still about it but almost every time I feel my husbands arm wrap around me and he does what he can to settle me. He's had to withstand this just about every night since we lost Declan. Now that the numbing is wearing off and reality is setting in, our hearts have never felt more broken. I throw up out of upset at the most unexpected times. I feel like I'm in a constant daze, I forget things that I shouldn't, put things where they don't belong, write crazy person blog posts that only other moms who have lost their babies can relate to.. It has only just occurred to me that if I feel this way, Chris might too. It's obvious he's changed because of all of this but I've never asked him just how he copes day to day at work and outside of the house, and what he does to fake it. He'd never want to admit that he struggles but I feel him suffering in those 4AM moments. I wonder how much energy it takes to be that brave everyday and admire him for it. I worry about him although I love him even more for being there during my Witching Hour when I need him most.

I came across this poem and it makes me think of Chris.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

Push ~Sarah McLachlan

Of every Sarah song there is, this one makes me think of my husband most.

Happy Daddy's Day

My husband is so much more than just the 'father' of my children. He's a Daddy. He takes pride in his family and is a super Dad. He's hard working; he provides a very full and enriching lifestyle for us and doesn't often complain. He puts up with a lot but handles it all in a masculine laid back sort of way. I can't really describe him , he's like no one else I've ever met. He's the Dad who goes to every Swim Lesson, Soccer, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball Game and helps out with the team where needed. He knows all of the kids by name.
He cooks, he does laundry, empties the dishwasher and occasionally will even mop the floor. He is a mentor to our children and shares what fascinating facts on nature he knows. (and he knows a lot!) He's the Dad who does homework with the boys at the kitchen table while dinner is cooking and helps them to better understand the complexities of mathematics and science that I could never begin to teach them. His mind amazes me; he's a smart cookie.
He's creative too. He's the Dad who helps the boys to build castles out of cardboard boxes and paints them for school projects. He encourages them to add more detail in their drawings and gives them tips on learning to draw; again, something else I myself could not teach my children! He kicks my ass at Draw Something every time.
He takes us on family vacations, camping trips, bike rides, movies, batting cages, mini putting, waterparks, and so much more. He has dreams for what we'll do and where we'll go in the future.
He makes sure that we are all well taken care of. Today with it being Father's Day, you'd think he'd take the day off and sit back but so far thats not the case. He made my morning coffee, wants to take us out for breakfast and then is coming home to get dinner ready for his own father.
He's a good man, this Charlie Brown of mine! <3 Happy Daddy's Day, Christopher <3
"Anyone can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy" ~Proverb

Marks The Spots

I got out my Magic Cleaning Eraser today and scrubbed my walls; I have two boys and my house is usually full of children so it doesn't take long for the walls to get grungy. In doing so I see all of the many dents and dings there are in my foyer and along the hallway. They're permanent marks that look like an eyesore and anyone else would probably have patched them up by now.

One dent I recognize from when the kids were small enough to be in a double stroller. I parked it in the same spot near my front door and the indent in my wall shows where it used to sit. Those baby years are so over for us.  Another few I know are from Callum running into the house in full goalie gear to use the bathroom. The hockey stick bashes all along the hallway as he hurries down it to go pee before the others begin the game again without him. He has such passion about him. The little nicks above the shoe rack are from where the kids leave their helmets and the ones near the baseboards marks the spots where the remote control trucks that have crashed along many times over the years. Some were even created accidentally by my husband, who is a child at heart and has been caught golfing down that hall on occasion. It's also been used as a bowling alley, a soccer field and race track for Hot Wheels cars and a railroad track for Thomas The Train. We've had trikes and bikes and scooters and sleds journey down that corridor as well. (And our guitars have left an indent or two when leaned against it!)

I of course don't know how every wall bash happened or who the paint destroyer was. From the chaotic life we live it's no wonder that hall looks the way it does; esthetically it's hideous. But at every glance some memory or another sweeps through my mind and evokes that emotion of gratitude for having a house that is so full of life and love and busyness and happiness. It's a place of comfort and warmth; where children want to play and be. If a few walls get dented in the process then we'll just put it on the repair list, .....but way way down on the list. I'm not ready for the memories they represent to disappear just yet!

I'm Thankful For This Life I'm Living And For Every Soul Who Has A Part In It

Today is Thanksgiving Day. It's the time of year when I tend to take a closer look at where I'm at in my journey of life and appreciate all that has made me fortunate enough to be where I am on the path. I have a beautiful family and carry on a lifestyle that reflects who I really am inside....who could ask for anything more? My dreams are my reality. I'm thankful for this life I'm living and for every soul who has a part in it.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

My Whole Life

I believe our Whole Being looks something like a pie shape and is made up of many different pieces, created by our passions. I think some people try too hard to find themselves in order to feel as though they "fit in" to a specific category or type of person and I kinda think they've got it all wrong. We're naturally drawn to certain people, music and other things in life.. When we focus on the things we love, we flourish and it contributes to the person we are as a whole. If we continually add positivemess into our lives, the negativeness will be easier to digest when it comes our way. It's all about balance.
Some of my greatest passions in my life are my family, my children. They fill me with light and absolutely amaze me each and everyday. I couldn't ask for a better husband or father to my boys than Chris. He keeps them in line while tolerating all that a good Daddy should tolerate. He loves us with all his heart.... and it shows. When I think about my kids or look at them, I'm amazed that we contributed in creating such beauty in this lifetime already. If I raise them right, they will do good things for our world.... the possibilities of what they can accomplish are limitless. I'm not sure if I can even describe in wordes how that makes me feel. But it's another piece that fills my pie proudly!
I like most people. Not all people, but most. There are strangers and aquintences who pass through my life who make my day right through conversation, gestures or vibes, but I have friends who have the capability to actually make my soul smile. When people intentionally or unintentionally drain energy from me I have an awareness about it and so I can handle it before it gets too low. All of these people, negative or positive, play a part in making me whole.
I'm drawn and facinated by things that other people may never aknowledge. These things lift my spirit, clear my mind and give me the piece of the pie that I'd say is driven by desire. It's an appreciation for a deep breath of fresh air on a warm sunny day knowing I need to contribute in everyway I can to save this planet so our future generations can experience that too. It's the joy I feel in watching someone play the guitar and know that I am capable of learning it too. It's the sense of willingness I experience when I think about people who are less fortunate in this world and knowing I have it in me to make a difference for them somehow, someway in this lifetime. It's knowing how to get a little crazy and have fun but with style and grace. There is always a desire to stay classy in all that I do. Doesn't mean I actually do this all the time, just means it's what I strive for. It's also about standing up for what I know is right and doing all I can to stop what is wrong such as child/slave labour, animal cruelty and so very much more, but in a way that I can be taken seriously. There is negetivity that can surround desire as well and so through my experiences I've learned ways to deal with it.
This wholeness as I know today will expand as I grow but the lessons within the pieces won't change. Everything I do, everyone I've encountered, every place I've been to, have all contributed to where I am at right now....And I really like where I'm at right now. I love my Whole Life.

Eric Clapton~Wonderful Tonight

My hearts overflows with the feeling of love when I hear this song. It makes me think of Date Nights and how much needed they are to stay in tune and connected within our relationships.

Another Year Almost Over And A New One Is Near ~Goodbye & Thank You 2010

Like in John Lennon's song Happy Christmas, another year is almost over and a new one is near. Reflecting back to where I was when 2010 first arrived, I see that all I had set out for myself was accomplished. We made those trips, we celebrated those milestones and grew up a little bit more together both as a family and as individuals.

Chris and I have always been very in sync. As in any relationship, there are sometimes bumps in the road but they result in proving the power of our love, patience and gratitude for each other. He gives me the world, my world that I thought out and created in my head as a kid, and has helped me work into to making it a reality. He has taught me dreams do come true. I let things get too hectic sometimes in 2010 and he called me out on a few occasions where we seemed distant. Amidst the chaos of our lives, we re-connect, ignite the flame and carry on. I love him more than ever.

Carter has gone and grown up on me this year. He knows things about iPods and music and life and the planet that I didn't teach him. He's absorbed and learned because he's found his own interests and sourced out the answers. He's developed his own opinions about things and I literally glow inside when I hear him speak of his findings.  

Callum still needs me for a lot of things that Carter does not however he has become more independent than ever before. He doesn't hold back when expressing his emotions and this is obvious from the stories he tells me about school friend relationships. He made my heart melt when he told me the lunch monitors laughed at him when he dropped his lunch bag on the floor and everything spilled out, but I was beaming with pride when he told me how he handled the situation. "I told them thats not very respectful and you should be helping me pick this up and if you were nice lunch monitors you'd do that and show respectfulness to me" Ahhhh.... thatta boy!!

Then there's me. I've most definitely grown as an individual this year. I've had more opportunities to engage in my passions of making the world a better place. The little bit that I contribute amongst my duties of being who I am to everyone else in my life, makes me feel whole. In reflecting all that I've experienced this year I've started creating my Twenty-Eleven New Years Resolutions List. Last year I had said I wanted to take Ballroom Dance Lessons.... CHECK! Did it and loved them. I also said I wanted to do more in the spirit of animal rights issues and share my knowledge in good and appropriate ways.... CHECK! Did that and will carry that over to my 2011 list as well. One resolution I didn't do well at keeping was that I planned to say "no" more often to people. I get asked a lot of favours and I have a natural tendency to just say yes then figure out how I'm gonna do it after I've opened my mouth. I can't say "yes" to everyone and feel good about it all the time because sometimes my commitments are intrusive to my family and cause upset amongst us. I need to concentrate more on who really needs me to do things for them in comparison to those who just want me to do things for them. For those who need me, need me because I make a difference in their lives and so I am swayed to do things for them out of love. If I'm not feelin' the love or the true need vibe, then I'll make my decisions accordingly. Once I really differentiate the two, I'll do better at yes and no's.  

So as 2010 was a year for growth & milestones in my family, I think 2011 will be a year for gratitude and enjoying the life we have. I plan to take life just a little bit slower this coming year and focus on the things that truly make my soul shine. Hopefully the reflection of that energy I create will bounce back to those I love so we can all live warm with gratitude for all that we have. As we approach the new year with a deep appreciation for the past one, I say Stay Grateful, Happy Holidays & Peace On Earth.

Stolen Time

It doesn't happen very often, but everyone (except me, fingers crossed!) in my house is sick and has been for three days now.  It's times like these that I really get to see how unbelievably chaotic our lives are. Once an illness sets in, everything comes to a stand still and it becomes so very obvious that we run ourselves ragged day to day when we're feeling well. The kids have missed school and all their extra curricular activities, my husband and I have both called in sick to work and we had to cancel a dentist appointment and a family commitment for today. That time has been replaced with watching TV in PJ's, playing a few video games, lying on the couch, reading and talking. Yes, talking. I've spoken more to my kids these last few days than I have since they started back at school in September. It's actually pretty fabulous in a way, .... this slow down of events we're experiencing is giving me a chance to re-charge myself. Everything has come to a halt and we actually have time to be a family. (a gross, pukey, germ infested family but I'll take what I can get) Because they're sick, there aren't any expectations that I'm going to take them anywhere, buy them anything or do anything "fun". They're content with my homemade soup, Gravol and snuggles on the sofa. I'm loving that part. The laundry, the whining, the sounds of them all throwing up and the need to constantly disinfect I could do without, but otherwise I'm in a way sort of grateful for the time we've managed to steal away from the rest of the world these last few days. It's taken the chaos of catering to my sick family to appreciate the need to slow life down as we eventually slide back into reality.

Diamonds Are Not This Girls Best Friend

Just a few short months ago, my husband and I went out shopping for my new diamond ring. We're celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary this year and I suggested getting a new wedding set.... I felt as though I should get a newer, bigger diamond because I had somehow earned it and that it was owed to me. Chris had me try on rings that cost more than I would spend on a new car and as beautiful as they were to look at, they didn't feel right on me. There was something unknown that just didn't sit well. Our anniversary is fast approaching and so I have been learning as much as I can recently in order to make the best decision. I've spoken to many retailers and diamond specialists and have learned a lot about cuts, clarity, colour, weight etc.
Then.... through research online, I discovered articles on the unfair labour, bloodshed, brutality and the loss of precious life that comes as a result of people like myself who purchase these precious gems. I honestly had no idea. I know... I've lived a sheltered life but this is no excuse to not know about something this huge! I've been misinformed about these stones and feel ill reading about all that goes on in the diamond industry. Conflict diamonds, blood diamonds and child labour articles are swarming the internet, yet still we don't talk enough about them. It's so easy for people to turn a blind eye when their eyes are filled with the gleaming sparkle of carats I guess.
I've since taken a good look at the role I play in our marriage and have put much thought into what it is I thought a big shiny diamond ring would do for me. I've realized wearing it would represent many things to many people's eyes, but the feeling I'd have would not be a good representation of who I am or of the word "reward" at all. It would go against all that I stand for in terms of world peace first of all and second, the love I get from my family is the ultimate reward for being who and what I am to them. Thanks anyways, but no diamond needed here.

Chris Was Not Impressed With The Idea Of Fa-Chris Day!

It Takes Two To Tango

Who knew that all it would take is a few dance lessons to re-connect and find a new way to have a little fun every week? 
For years I've been asking my husband to take lessons with me and for years he's flat out refused. At Christmas, my wonderful Mother-in-law bought me a gift certificate and told me to go ahead and take whoever I wanted..... but I wanted Chris to go with me so I waited. And waited and waited and waited. Every once in awhile I'd mention it and he'd shut me down. Finally, after five months of asking (and waiting) he caved and I booked our first lesson!
I pretty much had to drag him in from the parking lot when we got there but an hour later as we were leaving he confessed to having a good time because it was with me. There's something about having to look into each others eyes as you move through the steps that re-connects what has always been there. Although we do Date Nights, we hang out watching TV and we plan family weekends away, we seldom do get to do something outside of the house that requires this much focus on each other and without the kids. We race through our chaotic lives of parenthood each and everyday, trying to keep the household running smooth and sometimes the romance does get lost in that shuffle.
I only love him more for doing this with me. Good thing it takes two to tango!

Welcome 2010

It was 10 years ago today that Chris proposed to me. Amidst all the Y2K chaos that night, he asked me to be his wife. That was a milestone for us. This next year will be full of events marking significance for us.

Seventeen years old & Seventeen years together. In March, Chris and I will celebrate our Dating Anniversary which we do every year, but this particular year will mark our seventeenth year together. I was seventeen when we started dating. I had an lived an entire lifetime before I met him! I lived my whole childhood before him. Now we've spent that same amount of time together as a couple where we've merged our lives and created our own family. It's a bit mind boggling for me, really. But pleasantly mind boggling.

I'll be turning 35 in April which I feel great about. My Aunt Hannah passed away from cancer at age 34 leaving behind her nine year old daughter, and this entire past year I've thought a lot about that. No one has any idea how grateful I am to be celebrating my 35th year. And I'm grateful for all that I've accomplished, acquired and been a part of to this point in my life. To celebrate my birthday, we're planning a trip to NYC... somewhere we've never been and we plan on leaving the kids at home with the Grandparents for the few days we're away... again another milestone for us. We've never been away from our kids for more than an overnight sleep over. We've never done a vacation away together without them ever. They're always with either Chris or myself. We love our kids and we like being with them. This will be an experience for us.

Of course 2010 also marks our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. We'll celebrate this in August and hopefully get back to British Columbia (WITH our kids!) which is where we spent most of our honeymoon after being in Alaska. The mountains and the ocean have taken my breath away before and I can't think of a better place to celebrate this anniversary.

So when I think about the decade that just passed us by I can smile knowing I made good use of those years. When I look ahead to what is before us, I can see there is a lot to look forward to.

Welcome 2010.

You're The One True Thing I Know I Can Believe In

I really wasn't feeling the Christmas Spirt this year but my amazing husband stepped in and helped me pull it all together. There are a lot of songs that make me think of Chris and his awesomeness but this Sarah song Push is the one that describes us best I think.

"You're the one true thing I know I can believe in"

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

[CHORUS]

Just Breathe. Pearl Jam

Some songs just make me think of my awesome husband. This is one of them.I think we were together in our past lives. I hope we're together in our next life as well.

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..

Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.

Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

You Da Meanest Mommy Evah!!

Yep. I've heard it before and I'm sure I'll hear it again. "You da meanest Mommy evah!" (Callum) and "Wutz you pwobwem anyways?" (Kaitlyn) and also "I'm so sick of you" (courtesy of Kaitlyn again) I have heard these words come from the mouths of the children I love and devote my life to.

Today we spent the afternoon at the SPCA animal shelter at my neice's birthday party. It was a great place for the kids to be as they can really learn a lot about compassion, giving and gratitude at a place like that. There were so many dogs, cats and other animals waiting to be adopted. It was hard to read all of the little blurbs posted on each of their kennels about where they came from, their characteristics and why they are there. Although they are all very unique in their own way, they all had in common their search for a "Forever Home."

I clearly explained to my family before going in, that we were NOT going to be bringing a pet home today. We have had a dog before and I was not ready to have another one yet. Admittedly, my heart sank a little as I watched my kids (especially Callum) gaze at the pets as they walked past each cage.

We successfully left empty handed but not without a struggle. I was expecting to hear the children tell me I was the meanest Mommy ever. I was expecting them to put up a fuss about not getting a pet, even though they were warned ahead of time. But they didn't. It is my husband who is giving me a hard time!! The mood he has been in since leaving there and the lines he has thrown at me in reaction to us leaving empty handed is unbelievable. He basically had all the dogs he would like to have picked out and all I had to do was choose one. Wasn't that sweet of him? He was letting ME choose!?! How very considerate of him! His behaviour was worse than any of the children's and his arguments for wanting to get a dog today were very weak. I am the one who will be home with it all day and a new dog is like having another baby in the house. I already do home daycare... I don't need to have another baby around right now. I am the one who would have to walk it and be home for it. We wouldn't be able to take off for weekends away without planning for someone to take it. I hardly ask anyone to baby-sit for me. Just how am I supposed to ask for someone to dog-sit for me? I am not ready to make these commitments yet. One of these days, far, far from today, I imagine we will once again have a dog in the house but today is not that day.

Animal lover he is. Push over I am not. Guess today I'm da meanest wife EVAH!!