For My Ambivalent Mother On Mother's Day

If my mom happens to be celebrating Mother's Day today then this is from me to Sandra. This song has been interpreted by many people and in so many different angles but for me it defines my life in terms of trying to be the reflection of my mother that she wanted me to be. She had to have control over everything we did that might say something about her. And we were mindful of that. But if she had stood back and let us be who we really are, I believe she would have been pleasantly surprised by our nature. And no, not everything I did or wanted to do in my life would have been okayed by Sandra but it really would have been okay overall. Instead, I lived my childhood in fear of disappointing her. I was constantly climbing a mountain to reach her, to connect with her and even though I felt I had made it to the top many times, she could never admit to my accomplishments even though my presence there couldn't be ignored. Instead she'd see me there then find a way to push me down again. In recent years I discovered that the bottom of that mountain is where I actually belong. There are people here, children, friends, family who need me and I can't spend my life trying to reach Sandra anymore. The last time I feel I was at the top of that mountain I was expecting my youngest son. I hadn't seen my mom this delighted in years and she couldn't wait to start shopping and telling all her friends. I felt as though I had done it again. Reached the top and had made her proud. But then the baby's kidneys failed him, I lost him and through it all I lost her too. The landslide brought me back down to where I belong, where love lives. To the friends and family who care about me as I am. Brought me back down to the people who laid low with me at my weakest and who stand to support me when I have strength. This is where I belong. I wonder if Sandra sees me in her reflection way up there. I wonder if she is tired from striving to be at the top all the time, trying not to slide away from it. Holding such control of a life she thinks she wants instead of living the life she could instead enjoy. One with children and grandchildren. One with holidays and celebrations. It's too much of a struggle for me to constantly strive to reach her up there and she's far too strong willed for the landslide to ever bring her down. So it is what it is. I celebrate Mother's Day as I'm grateful to be a mom. If Sandra is celebrating Mother's Day hopefully it's because she grateful for some part of her motherhood experience.

Strong Enough To Be My Man

I do not have an eccentric career like these ladies but I do live a full life. Aside from being a mom I am a wife to a very understanding man who puts up with my craziness. He supports me in my animal welfare pursuits, puts up with my social life and allows me to be me. I'm not so sure anyone else in this world be more tolerant of my lifestyle than Chris :)

The Mother We Share

This song speaks volumes.

The Goodness Of An All Crust Sandwich

My boys take lunches to school big enough to fill grown men. Sometimes they come home with a few things left over, sometimes they give things away ..and sometimes they just eat it all. This morning, I told the kids to start getting their lunches together and that I'll be downstairs soon to help them pack it up when they are done. When I did my mommy inspection (they know there are certain musts like minimum two fresh fruits before I give their lunch the ok!) I was surprised to find what I did. In Carter's bag I saw an all crust sandwich. A sandwich made with the two end slices of the bread. This was a new loaf meaning he had to dig his way through my bread to get the other end slice. I picked the sad looking sandwich up to see it was simply jam inside. My kids don't take jam sandwiches. They have a thermos so they can take a hot lunch but if they did want a sandwich there are all kinds of cheeses in the fridge, Tofurky slices, lettuce, tomatoes ..he could even have made himself just a bagel with cream cheese. I called him into the kitchen and asked him about it. He told me very confidently 'it's just what I want for today' however my youngest interrupted and said 'It's because of his friend!' I immediately jumped on Carter about the dangers of doing things just because another kid tells you too. I began to lecture him, telling him I'm trying to raise him in such a way that he doesn't participate in that sort of drama ..but I could see him welling up. I had to stop when I saw the tears rolling down his face as he shook his head back and forth. And this is what he told me:

"No, Mom, it's because my friend Jordan brings an all crust sandwich to school ..a lot. And this boy Dawson makes fun of him every time he does. And yesterday, this mean boy Dawson told Jordan that he's just like the two end slices of bread on his sandwich; the part that no one likes"

My heart sank. I knew where he was going with this. 

"I can tell it makes Jordan feel embarrassed. So today I'm taking an all crust sandwich so he doesn't feel bad and Dawson will see that someone does like Jordan. And that it's not a big deal to have that kind of sandwich. It's not to be a follower or make fun of him. It's to make Jordan feel better!"

At this point I'm welling up with guilt, pride and love. I hugged him, told him I couldn't be any more proud of him and of course I apologized for misunderstanding the situation. I'm wowed that he came up with this tactic on his own and that it's a bright solution to old school lunch room teasing.

I called the school and explained that Carter would be crushed if he knew I was calling but I wanted the lunch teacher to be aware and eavesdrop on that conversation when it goes down; just in case it gets heated. I'm the mommy. And as proud as I am of my boy, I still have a need to protect my little protector as he quietly fulfills his peer lessons of acceptance and empathy ;) 

Happy Fathers Day, Chris!

My boys couldn't dream of a more amazing Daddy

He is their superman :)

What A Grieving Mother Really Thinks ~Kelly Cummings

Hello, Old Friend,

Oh, yes, you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please

Don’t look away

And change the subject

It’s ok.

You see, at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk,

Come sit with me? 

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail, 

Broke from me…

My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say,

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

~Kelly Cummings

Stubborn Love

So many marriages fall apart but I'd like to think Chris and I are in ours for the long haul. We're high school sweethearts so in a way we have grown up together. When we were young we created such a strong foundation that it will stabilize us for life, ..hopefully. Life's ups and downs have been a true test to what we can withstand. As fragile as we both are in these months following the loss of our baby we know that in the thick, heavy, foggy haze that surrounds us both (sometimes making one of us act a little crazier than usual) there is still that stubborn love that will always push through there to hold us together.

We Will Remember You

I had this poem read during Declan's graveside blessing.

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.

The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
"We will remember You"

~Author Unknown

Bringing Balance To My Being

I believe everyone has an energy about them. I believe every thing in the Universe is made up of energy. It surrounds us. It can flow through us giving us a lift. It can escape us and make us feel low. And I believe good energy is infused with love. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive, sometimes you get more than you give but it goes back and forth refreshing your soul with a constant balanced flow. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children and my husband that I love them. I'm drawn to their energies and feed off their glow.

They say that tragedy brings family closer together and I think that might be because we are stilled in those times. The chaos of energies comes to a halt allowing us to grieve. The people who love you hearts will fill naturally with compassion, surround you with warmth and feed you the healing energies you need to get through the process. As you begin to feel better those healing energies pick up the pace little by little and merge back into the good energy flow that is typical of a content soul. In the times of helplessness it's visible who is really there for you; who really cares. These are the people you want to give back to. It's a cycle of unconditional love and is more powerful than any medication could ever heal me. It's human nature at it's finest.

The only flaw to the process is when you learn some of the love in that cycle is actually conditional by someone you're depending on to draw from. Conditional in the sense that they are family, a part of your life, but not your energy flow. It's ok to include them in your life's routines but to expect to hear an I Love You spoken aloud may be crossing the comfort line for these people. Both my mother and sister have never been more absent in my life than they have been in the weeks surrounding the loss of my son. My sister has never acknowledged Declan's passing. These were two beings I assumed because they are family would offer a flow of uplift while we were at our weakest; but instead turned their backs in our time of need. I've often thought to myself if I can get through these circumstances without them then what do I really need them for? ..until I found meaning in it all.

Unconditional love should flow naturally through us but if there are too many negative energies filling someones being then it would block that flow. Misinterpretations, not knowing how to handle situations, selfishness and feeling overwhelmed can create such negativity and blockages in our spirit. Negative energy is heavier than positive energy. We know this, we feel this. So in understanding this, how could I possibly expect such persons to be able to give what they simply do not have? Why have I never understood it like this before, because nothing has changed; it's always been this way. Why did I expect it to be different when I lost my son?! These woman are my blood, but love is not drawn from blood..
I'm fortunate to be gifted with these awarenesses for if I wasn't it would be a shame for how sad life might seem in these times. Instead of of taking their abandonment personally I can wrap some understanding around it and be grateful that I can see it in this way. It makes my life less complicated and I feel an infinite sense of appreciation for those who choose to be a part of it. Those who chose to not take part in my healing process are still seen in my life, but just disconnected from the flow which is unfortunate for them as they cannot benefit from the power this energy cycle can offer them. I could choose to feel alienated by them but instead I forgive out of pity for what they have missed out on. There are plenty of people surrounding me to pick me up when I fall. And I love them back for it, keeping the cycle flowing with all the love infused energy I need to un-still me, make my inner light shine again ..and bring balance to my being.

How I Wonder Where You Are

As a part of the graveside blessing, the reverend spoke about 'stars' and Declan being among them. I was numb that day and can't remember many details but I remember the talk about stars vividly. She quoted the lines "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder Where You Are" and talked about the loss we must feel now that the vision of having him in our lives has changed. After the service some of my best, lifelong girlfriends took me aside and gave me a Swarovski Star ornament, unknowing at the time they bought it that a star would be most significant for that day. Since then, I've noticed more star shaped objects than I ever have before (pottery, magnets, soaps, key chains.. they're everywhere) and today I stumbled across this song Stars by Grace Potter. It was playing on the radio as I pulled into my driveway and it drew me in. I couldn't get out of my car until it was over. I downloaded it right away and over the course of the evening, along with a few glasses of wine, have listened to it a dozen times or more. It speaks to my broken heart.

Footprints In Our Still Hearts

One week exactly before Christmas Eve, I knew there was something wrong but everything in me pleaded for the best. The nurse tried with three different devices to find his heartbeat. At one point we heard a faint beat and her eyebrows raised but I knew it was my own. I had heard his heartbeat several times now and that wasn't it. She took my pulse and timed it to the rhythm and her looked changed to one of deflation. I burst into tears. The doctors did a bed side ultrasound then took me into another room for another sonogram. As they gathered around the screen they pointed, nodded heads and tightened their lips. Then one turned to me and said "I'm sorry, your baby has died." They guided me with sympathetic eyes back to my room. And I threw up.
At 6:30pm I was induced and after fifteen long hours of labour, I delivered my son Declan stillborn. I have never in my life been that afraid and sad as I was in that moment. The nurses took him away to wash him and brought him to me all bundled in a warm blanket, but his skin was cold when I touched his face. He was really tiny; 207 grams. And he was beautiful. His features resembled that of my other two sons when they were babies. This made it all too real for me. I kissed his little head that had the smallest knitted white toque I've ever seen covering it and said sorry to him; sorry for failing him, sorry for his discomfort and sorry for his loss of being. I've been told over and over there is nothing I could have done to have prevented this from happening but I think you'd have to be a mom in my position to understand my apologies. I told him I love him, I said goodbye then Chris took him from me before handing him to the nurse. She left our room and brought back a tiny green box. In in she had photographs of him, a baby bracelet that said 'Declan' and a card with a heart on it where she had stamped his little footprints. Other than holding that memory box, we left the hospital with empty arms.
The days following are a blur. With what I just had to endure emotionally and physically, I now had to plan the burial for my son. I don't know how it all came together but it did. The reverend, the piper, the memory cards, choosing his grave site, registering his death, arranging for the hearse.. somehow we did it. The boys chose three little stuffed animals to put in his casket to represent our three babies who we lost through miscarriages over the years. We also got him a baby stocking, a Christmas ornament that says 'Love At First Sight' and a blanket the kids knit for him the day we told them we had lost him. I had him wrapped in a white knit blanket my Gran had made for Carter ten years ago; one that Callum had also used as a baby. I hope Declan feels the love that surrounds him.
On Friday December 21st, 2012 the day the world was supposed to end, we buried our son. As we drove to the cemetery we saw his hearse drive by. I was numbed by the sight. When we got there the graveyard was full of my most cherished friends and family, but I couldn't look any of them in the eye for if I did I would crumble. And I needed to be strong for this. I didn't want my last moments with my son above ground to be wasted in only sorrow. I still had more I needed to tell him and I could not afford the time it would cost to become distracted. I could not feel my legs through the entire service and my tears blurred everything around me but I knew I was surrounded by people who were there for us. I could feel the strength from their kind words and thoughts holding me up in my moment of weakness as I thought I hate the word today, no one should ever have to bury their child.
Leaving him in his little coffin on top of the plot where he would later be buried will forever bother me. It is an image I wake up to every night. A good mother does not leave her children unattended. Ever. I worry that he wasn't warm enough, I'm scared that he is scared.
I'm not sure where to go from here but I think once I am ready to accept my guilt, my grief, my loss, I will bundle it up and place it in the spot of stillness I have carved out in my heart for Declan. I will never be the same because of losing him. I plan to learn how to carry this with me in a way that it does not become an obstacle in my life going forward; for the sake of my little family. I feel my soul now holds new life lessons on karma, on love and on loss because of his existence. My baby boy has shown me that even the smallest feet can leave an imprint on this world. With that I will try to make the world a better place in his honour.
If love alone could have saved you my son you never would have died.
Rest In Peace Declan Christopher
December 17, 2012

Declan Christopher, our Angel Baby ~December 17, 2012 - December 17, 2012

My Darling Child ~Sinead O'Connor

My darling child

My darling baby
My darling child
You gave life to me
My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me
My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me
Me little ninja
My little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely boy
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite boy
My angel babby
Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me love me boy
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy 

Fingers Crossed

I've held back from putting it up on Facebook, I've kept it off Twitter but I'll post here. It's safe here, and I see there were a number of views on my page already this month but with nothing new shared by me.

Tomorrow I'll have hit week 22 of my pregnancy. But everyday for the last few weeks have been a waiting game to see how much longer this pregnancy will last. I'm High Risk and the environment in which the baby is thriving is not good. The placenta isn't doing it's job to nourish him, there are signs of kidney failure and my amniotic fluid is too low. We've been given the option of terminating ..twice. And both times when we refused we were told to brace ourselves for what we could be facing in the weeks to come. The words "....possibility you will deliver still born, and if not, your baby will die shortly after birth...." came out very matter of fact from my doctor's mouth. I watched her lips move over every word and couldn't believe I had to hear that aloud. I knew it already in my head, I felt it in my heart, but for it to be spoken out loud was crushing to my soul.

There's a lot of guilt that surrounds me in relation to this pregnancy. When I first discovered I was expecting I was less than thrilled. I'm thirty-seven years old with children who will be 11 and almost 9 by the time my due date comes around. This was not in my plan and I was pretty vocal about that. It's how I truly felt in the moment and so this is why I believe Karma has come to teach me a lesson. The realization of "You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone." I've always felt that I have so much good in my life because I put out an effort to do good in this world, and it comes back full circle to me. In this scenerio it did just that with a reaction which will sacrifice the health of my unborn child. I don't encounter negative reactions very often. And when I do I accept them, because I understand and believe in the process. Of course people's reactions are to tell me that there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this. But I think there is. And I blame myself entirely. So before I move forward in this post, stop feeling sorry for me; I don't deserve it. I'm writing because I see that some of my most read posts are the ones about my miscarriages and my children. And if what I have to write here connects to what anyone else out there is feeling then it's worth it for you to know you're not alone.

I was born to be a Mom. It was my childhood dream career. And although there's no University degree or College diploma that can give you the credentials you need in order to be a mother, I have a pretty good resume making me an excellent candidate for the job.

Here are my top five reasons why:

First I have experience; I have two boys who I couldn't be more proud of. Second, I'm reliable. I can be counted on. Third I'm compassionate. I raise my children with value of consideration for other beings and teach them that having a heart matters a lot. Fourth I'm understanding and forgiving. If they learn from their mistakes then they're living life on the right path. Fifth I'm strong. I can take care of myself as well as everyone else around me.

....but these past few weeks, I'm failing at it all.

Here are my top five reasons why:

First, my little boys see me cry everyday. There are no good days and bad days; they are all just days with good and bad moments throughout them. And those moments are unpredictable. Second, I can't plan do do very much because I'm so drained emotionally, physically and mentally from over thinking it all. Third, I'm starting to feel compassion burn out. I need to focus my passion for compassion on my baby and concentrate that energy on making him stronger, but I feel burned out; my inner light is dim. Fourth, although I'm understanding it all I'm not forgiving of it at all. Not one bit. I should get a pass on this for all the other good I've put out there, ..no?! I think so. Some would call me self righteous for thinking that but it's how I feel. I'm angry. I hate that my baby is suffering and there is nothing anyone can do for him. And that I am housing all that suffering internally. It's hard to forgive life for putting me in such a helpless situation. And fifth, I'm at my weakest. The feeling of waiting for the day where your baby's heart might stop beating, or that my water will break and I'll deliver him dead is unexplainable. There is no way to know what this feels like unless you've been here. I've never before had such a fear of the unknown. I find strength to put on a face to visit with a friend and to tell the family I'm ok ..but it takes a lot of energy to fake it. I need to be taken care of and don't know how to make that known. I've never been this fragile.

I'm failing miserably at everything that I think makes me so great at the mommy job, ....making it even more difficult to turn my Karma around and make it right. But I believe in the power of the universe. I need to get it together and change the expected outcome for me and my boy by thinking positively. In my good moments of the day I feel a surge of hope flow through me and I'm banking that right into the heart of my baby living inside me. And day after day, that will amount to big hopes.

I've never loved anything more in my life than this little life I've created; I think he feels that. I cannot lose him now. I'm surrounded by love which gives me hope. And in hope I'll find the strength to take care of us both. I can't expect anyone to do anything for us except to send good vibes our way. It's really all up to the Mommy in me to pull this off..

(Fingers crossed, please)

Teach Your Children

Remember this one?! Love it. Such harmony among their voices; lifts up my spirit every time I hear it :)

Thankful For Me

Each year around this time I write up a quick post for all the things I am Thankful for in my life even though almost everything I write which revolves around my family or friends is written with my heart bursting with love and gratitude for them. All of that still stands true however..
I've come to some realizations lately and see myself differently these days. I've given myself a harsh evaluation and have decided to rid my heart and my head of the chaos that lives within. I think sometimes I over care about people and take on responsibilities that no one ever expected me to in the first place. Sometimes I blame the Mommy in me for my over helpfulness but really I've always been this annoying. And its draining. Not just to me but to the people around me I'm sure. So, I'm letting go. Letting go of the chaos so I have more space in my head and my heart to enjoy the love that does come full circle for me, the good energies that are sent my way that I often acknowledge but don't fully absorb because there is too much going on. I plan to care less about the people and things who don't make that much of an impact on my life and it's not a negative process. It's just the opposite really. I'm thankful that I have the wisdom and intuition to recognize when my life is unbalanced and I'm thankful for the strength I have within to be able to make it change. Without conceited intent I'm thankful for me and I know so many others in my life are as well, making me thankful for them; ..and see? That is how the love comes full circle. And soon I'll have the space to absorb it all.

Summer Days, Drifting Away

We've all seen the Back To School commercials where the parents are overjoyed to be sending their kids back to the classroom, we've all heard people thank god they're going back soon and we've all heard someone somewhere at sometime tell us how they go about celebrating once the kids are back in school. I don't get it.
Time off with my kids is spent living. Really living. We try to do something fun everyday and not everything has a huge price associated with it. Picnics are a big thing for my kids, skipping stones at the beach, swimming, summer festivals, camping; that kind of stuff. Why would I ever want those sort of days to be over? I work part time so not everyday was full of time and freedom but we definitely made the most of the summer. To celebrate the fact that they're stuck back in a stuffy classroom, surrounded by expectation, social demands upon them, absorbing an overload of information all day everyday makes me sad for them in comparison to what we've just spent the summer doing ...Living. And learning as we go; it seems far more natural that way.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter
• 6 tablespoons brown sugar
• 6 tablespoons white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup natural peanut butter (it's saltier than some of the commercial brands)
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup milk chocolate chips (you can use semi-sweet but the milk just tastes better with the saltiness)
• 1 pinch of love, the deepest kind you've got

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
2. Cream butter or margarine with brown sugar and white sugar. Add egg and vanilla. Mix well. Stir in peanut butter, baking soda, and salt. Make sure it is well blended. Add flour, chocolate chips and love.
3. Drop teaspoons of cookie dough then flatten with fork slightly on greased cookie sheet. Bake for 6-7 minutes or until just showing a hint of brown on edges. Don't overcook. Let cool on cookie sheet for 5 -10 minutes then transfer to a cooling rack. My father-in-law makes these for us and although this is pretty much the recipe he gave me to use (minus the love ingredient, I added that in but I'm pretty sure he secretly uses it too) I just can't seem to make them quite like he does.

A Lifetime Of Misery For A Few Minutes Of Entertainment

The truck the elephants live in all year long, chained to the inside.

The circus is no fun for elephants or any of the animals who are tortured into learning the tricks they perform in order to provide humans with a few short minutes of entertainment. More is posted on PETA.org but one article states bears, elephants, tigers, and other animals do not voluntarily ride bicycles, stand on their heads, balance on balls, or jump through rings of fire. They don't perform these and other difficult tricks because they want to; they perform them because they're afraid of what will happen if they don't.

For animals in circuses, there is no such thing as "positive reinforcement"—only varying degrees of punishment and deprivation. To force them to perform these meaningless and physically uncomfortable tricks, trainers use whips, tight collars, muzzles, electric prods, bullhooks, and other painful tools of the trade.

Elephants are beaten, hit, poked, prodded, and jabbed with sharp hooks, sometimes until bloody. The trainers break the spirit of elephants when they're vulnerable babies who should still be with their mothers. Unsuspecting parents planning a family trip to the circus don't know about the violent training sessions with ropes, bullhooks, and electric shock prods that elephants endure. 

This year over seventy of us gathered in protest of the Shine Circus in Hamilton Ontario. There was some resistance from the misinformed who would yell out that we're ruining the fun for the children but for the most part we got very positive feedback. Some people left at intermission, saying they had never realized before what the animals suffer and the life they are forced to live. One father who left mid way brought his teenage daughters over to speak to us asking for more literature as our information had opened their eyes. A friend of mine didn't even get settled in her seat before deciding to leave with her four children because one of them asked what a bullhook is. Another woman I know posted on my Facebook page before the event even happened that my advocacy makes a difference because she has chosen to not use her tickets after all. All of this matters. My family has been at this five years in a row now; lets hope Hamilton simply bans the use of animals for entertainment purposes and the Circus will not be back in town again. But if it is, we'll be there. 

I Love My Not So High Places Life

Like many days, I spent the morning cleaning my house. Today I tackled the kids bathroom; bleached the toilet (yes ..bleach, I know, I know..) scrubbed the tub, disinfected the sinks, mopped the floor and changed the shower curtain. It's quite a chore for a little space but as I was working away I realized that I really like what I'm doing. I have a sense of pride in my accomplishment when I clean my home; the place where I eat, sleep, hang out and raise my family in.
I used to work full time. I loved my job and for that time in my life it was a good fit. I'd sometimes feel mentally drained at the end of the day and would want to do nothing more than lay on the couch and watch TV. And that was okay because I could. No one else really depended on me then. I gave it my all during the day; put out all the energy I had in me to be sure the work I did reflected a job well done and in the awesome cycle of energy I would gain back from that what I needed to put into another day. And so on and so on ..until I became a Mom. I had my son in the daycare centre in my place of employment; very convenient some might assume! But I hated it. I hated the rushed mornings where he would have to hoover his toaster waffle down in the commute, I hated leaving him with other people, strangers, who would get to witness him take his first steps, I hated having to feed him dinner at my desk because I had to work later hours than what the daycare was open, I hated that I was so mentally and physically drained by the end of the day that I had no desire to do anything else with my son once we got home ....I hated it all. But it didn't last long. In a matter of months I was expecting again, gave birth to my second son and never returned to work again. Instead I set up shop in my home and for six wonderful years I ran a home based child care centre and never ever missed what I once had. A few years into doing daycare in my friend from my previous place of employment called me with an offer I couldn't refuse. She had a very part time position in which she wanted me to take for five hours per week on the weekend. It was perfect for me then and since the children have all grown up and my childcare business phased itself out I've taken on more hours. I couldn't be happier.
I've been offered positions in the last few years, one of which was with the head office and would have required me to travel, which was not an option at all for this homebody. Recently another one has come my way and I've felt sick about it since it was put out there. As I cleaned my boy's bathroom I thought about my friends in high places; how my teacher friends, lawyer friends, police friends, real estate friends and top business exec friends manage their work/life balance and realized the things that occupy my life are not a part of theirs. They have people to clean their homes, a nanny to watch their children and cook their meals (and who they also take on vacations with them) They have gardeners to tend to their lawns so that they can spend their weekends at the cottage in the summer and someone to shovel the snow and hang their Christmas lights so they can be away at the condo skiing in the winter. Some have their kids in private schools and others take vacations a few times per year. (and some do both) If I could bring home a decent salary, which I believe this position would pay, we could have a few of those extra luxuries as well, ..but I don't want them. I like it here where I am. I don't mind cleaning my own mess up and scrubbing my bathrooms. I like cooking a homemade meal for my family. I don't travel much because I don't care to. Shovelling snow counts as my workout some winter mornings. I like my not high places life. I feel so much anxiety around being away from my home life any more than I already am. When will I find time to do the grocery shopping let alone plan a menu for the week?! Who will balance the bank book and get the bills paid? What if something goes technically wrong at work one day where I have to stay late and miss out on one of my kids activities? Who will get them to Baseball, Soccer, Swimming, Tennis etc etc?! When will I have time shop for the perfect gift when they are invited to the birthday parties of classmates, or for the family or for Christmas? How do I squeeze in time to take them for haircuts every month, when do I go get my nails done, when do I plan our little camping getaways or water park weekends, when do you go for bike rides and ice cream, when do I do date night with my husband or go out with friends without feeling I'm sacrificing family time, what about dentist and doctor appointments and what about volunteering on school trips?! When that time is consumed with working more hours, how do I manage it all? Because for me to take on a full time, mentally draining job such as the one on my plate right now it would have to enhance my life, not take away from it. Soon enough my kids will be old enough to stay home by themselves, make plans on their own and I'll be needed less. But I like that they need me right now.
And as I stood on the steps of my bathtub hanging the new shower curtain I looked around at the sparkly sight of my hard work and realized nothing I'll ever be offered from any employer will ever compare to the sense of accomplishments I feel from being a housewife/good mommy. Yes, I have friends in high places, but for now I love my not so high places life.

Happy Daddy's Day

My husband is so much more than just the 'father' of my children. He's a Daddy. He takes pride in his family and is a super Dad. He's hard working; he provides a very full and enriching lifestyle for us and doesn't often complain. He puts up with a lot but handles it all in a masculine laid back sort of way. I can't really describe him , he's like no one else I've ever met. He's the Dad who goes to every Swim Lesson, Soccer, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball Game and helps out with the team where needed. He knows all of the kids by name.
He cooks, he does laundry, empties the dishwasher and occasionally will even mop the floor. He is a mentor to our children and shares what fascinating facts on nature he knows. (and he knows a lot!) He's the Dad who does homework with the boys at the kitchen table while dinner is cooking and helps them to better understand the complexities of mathematics and science that I could never begin to teach them. His mind amazes me; he's a smart cookie.
He's creative too. He's the Dad who helps the boys to build castles out of cardboard boxes and paints them for school projects. He encourages them to add more detail in their drawings and gives them tips on learning to draw; again, something else I myself could not teach my children! He kicks my ass at Draw Something every time.
He takes us on family vacations, camping trips, bike rides, movies, batting cages, mini putting, waterparks, and so much more. He has dreams for what we'll do and where we'll go in the future.
He makes sure that we are all well taken care of. Today with it being Father's Day, you'd think he'd take the day off and sit back but so far thats not the case. He made my morning coffee, wants to take us out for breakfast and then is coming home to get dinner ready for his own father.
He's a good man, this Charlie Brown of mine! <3 Happy Daddy's Day, Christopher <3
"Anyone can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy" ~Proverb