She Remembers

Just an hour ago I received an e card from a group called Angel Moms recognizing that today is the day in 2008 I experienced my third miscarriage. It's taken me almost a full hour to pull myself out of the sadness that surrounds that. I was at my twelve week ultrasound when the tech told us our baby's heartbeat was still. I think about that baby when I see other children who are the same age as my baby would be. I have a friend who had her son on my due date and when she posts pictures I imagine what our angel looks like and grieve for all the milestones we're missing out on with him or her. This all happens silently because everyone else believes you'd simply move on by now after losing a baby and I assume has forgotten. But a grieving mommy doesn't move on and doesn't forget. You just get quiet on how you deal with it.

Shortly after pulling myself away from staring at the card I received this text from my long time friend Nancy. Something this simple is so very profound to me. A boost of power has been shot into my spirit because of her message. She remembers my baby.. and thats a big deal :)

To Be A Man In Grief

Most nights I see the four o'clock hour and every thought that was suppressed in my mind throughout the day surfaces. It's my Witching Hour. There's so much I can't make sense of and my soul finds no rest. I try to be still about it but almost every time I feel my husbands arm wrap around me and he does what he can to settle me. He's had to withstand this just about every night since we lost Declan. Now that the numbing is wearing off and reality is setting in, our hearts have never felt more broken. I throw up out of upset at the most unexpected times. I feel like I'm in a constant daze, I forget things that I shouldn't, put things where they don't belong, write crazy person blog posts that only other moms who have lost their babies can relate to.. It has only just occurred to me that if I feel this way, Chris might too. It's obvious he's changed because of all of this but I've never asked him just how he copes day to day at work and outside of the house, and what he does to fake it. He'd never want to admit that he struggles but I feel him suffering in those 4AM moments. I wonder how much energy it takes to be that brave everyday and admire him for it. I worry about him although I love him even more for being there during my Witching Hour when I need him most.

I came across this poem and it makes me think of Chris.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

We Will Remember You

I had this poem read during Declan's graveside blessing.

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.

The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
"We will remember You"

~Author Unknown

Saying Goodbye

Bringing Balance To My Being

I believe everyone has an energy about them. I believe every thing in the Universe is made up of energy. It surrounds us. It can flow through us giving us a lift. It can escape us and make us feel low. And I believe good energy is infused with love. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive, sometimes you get more than you give but it goes back and forth refreshing your soul with a constant balanced flow. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children and my husband that I love them. I'm drawn to their energies and feed off their glow.

They say that tragedy brings family closer together and I think that might be because we are stilled in those times. The chaos of energies comes to a halt allowing us to grieve. The people who love you hearts will fill naturally with compassion, surround you with warmth and feed you the healing energies you need to get through the process. As you begin to feel better those healing energies pick up the pace little by little and merge back into the good energy flow that is typical of a content soul. In the times of helplessness it's visible who is really there for you; who really cares. These are the people you want to give back to. It's a cycle of unconditional love and is more powerful than any medication could ever heal me. It's human nature at it's finest.

The only flaw to the process is when you learn some of the love in that cycle is actually conditional by someone you're depending on to draw from. Conditional in the sense that they are family, a part of your life, but not your energy flow. It's ok to include them in your life's routines but to expect to hear an I Love You spoken aloud may be crossing the comfort line for these people. Both my mother and sister have never been more absent in my life than they have been in the weeks surrounding the loss of my son. My sister has never acknowledged Declan's passing. These were two beings I assumed because they are family would offer a flow of uplift while we were at our weakest; but instead turned their backs in our time of need. I've often thought to myself if I can get through these circumstances without them then what do I really need them for? ..until I found meaning in it all.

Unconditional love should flow naturally through us but if there are too many negative energies filling someones being then it would block that flow. Misinterpretations, not knowing how to handle situations, selfishness and feeling overwhelmed can create such negativity and blockages in our spirit. Negative energy is heavier than positive energy. We know this, we feel this. So in understanding this, how could I possibly expect such persons to be able to give what they simply do not have? Why have I never understood it like this before, because nothing has changed; it's always been this way. Why did I expect it to be different when I lost my son?! These woman are my blood, but love is not drawn from blood..
I'm fortunate to be gifted with these awarenesses for if I wasn't it would be a shame for how sad life might seem in these times. Instead of of taking their abandonment personally I can wrap some understanding around it and be grateful that I can see it in this way. It makes my life less complicated and I feel an infinite sense of appreciation for those who choose to be a part of it. Those who chose to not take part in my healing process are still seen in my life, but just disconnected from the flow which is unfortunate for them as they cannot benefit from the power this energy cycle can offer them. I could choose to feel alienated by them but instead I forgive out of pity for what they have missed out on. There are plenty of people surrounding me to pick me up when I fall. And I love them back for it, keeping the cycle flowing with all the love infused energy I need to un-still me, make my inner light shine again ..and bring balance to my being.

How I Wonder Where You Are

As a part of the graveside blessing, the reverend spoke about 'stars' and Declan being among them. I was numb that day and can't remember many details but I remember the talk about stars vividly. She quoted the lines "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder Where You Are" and talked about the loss we must feel now that the vision of having him in our lives has changed. After the service some of my best, lifelong girlfriends took me aside and gave me a Swarovski Star ornament, unknowing at the time they bought it that a star would be most significant for that day. Since then, I've noticed more star shaped objects than I ever have before (pottery, magnets, soaps, key chains.. they're everywhere) and today I stumbled across this song Stars by Grace Potter. It was playing on the radio as I pulled into my driveway and it drew me in. I couldn't get out of my car until it was over. I downloaded it right away and over the course of the evening, along with a few glasses of wine, have listened to it a dozen times or more. It speaks to my broken heart.

Take What You Need

Not environmental I know but still I'd love to see these flyers posted everywhere in place of the ads that are in our faces on every streetlight in the city :)

Ladies Love Cool James

He's too beautiful in this picture to not share it. You're welcome.

Warm Herbal Goodness~ the health benefits of tea

I'm a tea drinking girl, I come from a family of Scots who have been known to give tea to babies in their bottles (auntie Emily!) Before bed as a kid my mum would often make tea and toast, an evening ritual I still sometimes partake in today :)
When I was pregnant I gave up coffee and looked to decaf teas instead. It's pretty amazing what health benefits they have to offer. I've had a lot of trouble staying asleep all night since I lost my son so I searched online for the best natural remedies and Chamomile Tea is on all the lists; so thats where I'll start. I was going to write a post about them but found this article from Best Health Mag in my search and it covers what I'd write anyways so steep yourself some warm herbal goodness and give it a read: http://www.besthealthmag.ca/eat-well/nutrition/7-herbal-teas-that-will-make-you-healthy

7 herbal teas that will make you healthier
Need a health boost? Reach for a soothing cup of herbal tea to relieve nausea, bloating and other common ailments
By Meredith Dault

There’s nothing nicer on a cold midwinter’s day than a soothing cup of herbal tea. But besides being a tasty, warming, caffeine-free pick-me-up, herbal tea has lots of wonderful health benefits. From soothing a troubled tummy to easing insomnia and calming a troubled mind, herbs have all sorts of healing powers. Drinking herbal tea can also be a great source of vitamins and minerals.

What is herbal tea?
Herbal tea isn’t really made from tea—which is a specific kind of plant. The French use the word tisane, which is a little more accurate, since herbal tea is really just an infusion of leaves, seeds, roots or bark, extracted in hot water. In drinking a well-steeped herbal tea, we get all the plant’s benefits in an easily digestible form.

The benefits of herbal tea
“In a lot of ways, we might get more benefit from a good organic tea than from a vitamin pill,” says herbalist Marianne Beacon of Elderberry Herbals in Peterborough, Ont. "You’re getting the benefits of hydration. There’s the social element: Tea is something that you can share with people. And when you’re drinking herbal tea, you get aromatherapy at the same time—and that’s something you don’t get from a tablet!”

That’s why Toronto-based herbalist Marcia Dixon says herbal tea should always be steeped in a covered vessel to contain the beneficial essential oils. “Otherwise, your room smells nice but you aren’t retaining the medicinal properties.”

How to choose a herbal tea
When it comes to choosing a herbal tea, both Dixon and Beacon agree that it’s important to look for a well-sourced product made from high-quality ingredients. If you’re drinking tea for the medicinal benefits, then definitely steer clear of products that add things like essential oils or flavours. And to really get the full benefits from drinking herbal tea, make sure you steep your loose tea or tea bags long enough—in some cases, as long as 10 to 15 minutes—to really bring out all the healthful properties.

Why spicy food is good for you
Foods that heal: Can nutraceuticals cure common illnesses?
Natural home remedies: Indigestion
“Anytime you’re ingesting something, you’re giving your body the building blocks it needs to manufacture tissues and hormones,” says Dixon. “If you drink tea every day, you can make all sorts of significant changes to your mood, your skin, your sense of well-being and energy.”

There are so many wonderful herbal teas to choose from. Here are a few of the most common. Don’t be afraid to try something new!

Peppermint tea
Halifax naturopath Colin Huska recommends drinking peppermint tea to relieve the symptoms of abdominal gas and bloating, and to relieve muscle spasms. It’s also good for nausea (without vomiting) and for heating up the body and making it sweat. If indigestion or heartburn are problems, however, then Dixon recommends avoiding peppermint altogether. Peppermint tea can also be made using fresh herbs from the garden—and it's one of the easiest herbs to grow.

Ginger tea
Another great digestive aid, ginger can be used to curb nausea, vomiting or upset stomach due to motion sickness. Make fresh ginger tea by simmering a piece of ginger root on the stove for 10 to 15 minutes—add fresh lemon juice and honey when you have a cold for a powerful germ-fighting combination. Beacon also suggests making tea from powdered ginger to ward off a chill.

Chamomile tea
A gentle calming and sedative tea made from flowers, chamomile tea can be helpful for insomnia. It can also be helpful with digestion after a meal. Huska recommends chamomile in cases of cough and bronchitis, when you have a cold or fever, or as a gargle for inflammation of the mouth. Be sure to steep it well to get all the medicinal benefits.

Rooibos tea
High in vitamin C as well as other minerals, rooibos has all sorts of health benefits. An easy drinking tea, it’s largely grown in South Africa and has been touted for its antioxidant properties—which may in turn help ward off disease and the signs of aging. It has also been shown to help with common skin concerns, such as eczema.

Lemon balm tea
An easy-to-grow plant, lemon balm is helpful for lifting the spirits. “It’s good for the winter blahs,” says Deacon, “and it can help improve concentration.” She adds that lemon balm is safe for children and may help prevent nightmares when consumed before bed. This herb also makes a refreshing iced tea, and can be flavoured with lemon or maple syrup.

Milk thistle and dandelion tea
When consumed as a tea, milk thistle or dandelion are gentle liver cleansers. “They help the liver to regenerate and function at a higher capacity,” says Huska. “They can also assist in the production of bile, which can help with our digestive process.”

Rosehip tea
Rosehips are the fruit of the rose plant and are one of the best plant sources of vitamin C, which is important for the immune system, skin and tissue health and adrenal function. Consider reaching for rosehip tea next time you need a health boost.

Vegetarian Chili

Such an easy thing to throw together on a cold night! We have it over rice or baked potatoes and melt cheese on top. I add Hot Sauce to my bowl; the green one from Che's in Hess Village if you're reading from Hamilton, Ontario! I like it hotter than the rest of the family. My non vegetarian husband frys ground beef in a skillet on the side and pours my chili on top to suit his meat eating needs. This chili freezes really well and on nights when I want home cooked but not home to cook it I'm glad to pull this out for dinner. Eat it with beer. Most things just taste better with beer :)

Ingredients


2 tablespoons vegetable oil

4 cloves garlic, minced

1 cup chopped onion

2 cups chopped celery

2 cups chopped green bell pepper

1 cup chopped red bell pepper

1 cup chopped yellow bell pepper

2 cans whole peeled tomatoes with liquid, chopped

1 can white kidney beans, undrained

1 can red kidney beans, undrained

1 can navy beans, undrained

1 can whole kernel corn, drained

3 tablespoons chili powder

2 tablespoons Club House Tex Mex Seasoning

1 tablespoon Club House Cajun Spice

1/2 tablespoon garlic powder

Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat. Cook and stir the garlic, onion, and celery in the pot until tender. Mix in the green, red and yellow bell pepper. Season with chili powder. Continue cooking 5 minutes, or until peppers are tender.
Stir in the tomatoes with liquid, kidney and navy beans with liquid, and corn. Season with tex mex spice, cajun spice and garlic powder. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium, cover, and cook for about an hour stirring occasionally.