Amazing Grace -Sinead O'Connor

For the most part I visit Declan's site in good spirit. It's not a place I always associate with sadness; it's somewhere I go to for comfort, re-energizing and to maintain balance within my being. This morning at the cemetery I watched a couple walk around the grounds with the graveyard administrative person, selecting a plot. The man from the office had his clipboard and his map in hand and pointed to certain locations; the same way he did when he walked us around to choose Declan's place of rest. It's the first time I've seen that man since that day and the sight of him reminded me of what strength it took for us to do that. The conversations about the planning came flooding back, the sadness that surrounded us at that time and the fear of what was to come hit me all over again when I saw that man and his map. And those memories began to weaken me today.
But something distracted me from the upset, something intriguing. I swear, in the far distance I could hear the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace, just as we had the piper play at the finale of Declan's funeral. The song seemed to fade in and out but it was playing and I don't think it was just in my head. There must have been someone in one of the nearby fields practising. Regardless, it had a stilling effect and made it's presence at the most opportune time, reminding me to stay focussed on what I've learned through all of this. Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life. But there are messages within all of these encounters for us to recognize, accept and act upon. I left with a sense of balance in my spirit once again. I believe Amazing Grace was a message today and the sweet sound saved a wretch like me..


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

International Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day -October 15th

I've posted this video before and shed some light in a post on why stars are so significant to me in relation to the loss of my babies. Today, October 15th is International Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day and although I don't need a specific day to acknowledge what I think about daily, it's an odd sort of comfort to know I'm not the only one in the world who feels how I do about missing our angel babies.

A lot had happened in the months since Declan was due. Two of my closest friends have had babies and one more is soon too. The babies are precious and I feel a love for them as I did with all the other babies we've had born into the group. The lump in my throat that I have when I'm around these girls is nothing to do with them as such but as a result of the situation. Seeing their babies so close in age and hearing them talk about what they've ordered on Etsy to decorate the nurseries is literally heart wrenching to listen to. The back and forth stories about how easy their births were makes me want to scream a reminder that only months ago, after a fifteen hour night of labour my son was born with a still heart. And although I had been told to expect that, I never once in all those hours gave up hope that I'd hear him cry at the end of it all. But he didn't cry. And talking about labour brings all those memories to the surface. It's really all too raw to be faking it like this but it's also too wrong to ask them to refrain from topics in which their whole life is absorbed in at the moment. The same emotions could possibly be felt by the one who lost her mom years ago when we speak of our mothers. Same could be said for the one who lost her brother when we talk about our siblings among the group. These woman are my lifelong friends and I love them dearly. They supported me when I was at my weakest and I need to let them bask in the glory they deserve now.

I think having this day as an international awareness has allowed me to be ok with still not being ok. Instead of cleaning my house or running the errands I originally had planned today, I gave in to the draw of a visit to the cemetery and spent it laying in the leaves by the grave stone thinking about what would have been. I will do what you're supposed to do to take part in sharing in our losses. I will watch for the CN Tower and Niagara Falls to light up in Pink and Blue in honour of all angel babies. I'll take part in the Global Wave of Light by lighting a candle at 7pm this evening alongside fellow grieving parents of the world. But I can't imagine having spent this Autumn afternoon doing anything more therapeutic than being there alone with my four little Stars.

My 'Winged It' Vegetarian Chick'n Pot Pie Recipe!

I searched the internet for the best Pot Pie recipe and couldn't find one that appealed to me so I used what I like out of a few variations and came up with this. These went over really well and took very little effort as I made them over the course of a few days. One night with dinner we had Green Beans & Mushrooms, the next night we had Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrots and Potatoes. I made a bit extra each night so that on the third day all I had to do was make the sauce, cook the Vegan Chick'n, roll the dough and bake. This is a completely made up, not measured to scale, roughly estimated recipe. I added as I went and they turned out amazing! My apologies in advance for the way this recipe is laid out! It really would take a lot to mess it up. The flavour is all in the sauce which can easily be altered if it doesn't seem right at first. Just be sure to adjust before pouring on the veggies. These freeze really well at the stage where you add the sauce. Save adding the crust for the day you're having them for dinner. I found that one package of pie crusts (2 pies) covered eight single serve pie plates even though I had veggies and sauce portioned into twelve. I froze the remaining four for another time, leaving them crustless for now. Puff pastry is another way to top these pies if you prefer. 

5 cups cooked mixed vegetables

1/2 onion

1 clove garlic

1 pkg Gardein Vegan Chick'n Strips, cubed

1/4 cup White Wine

1/4 cup + 2tbsp butter

1 cup heavy cream

2 cups milk

Approx 3 cups Vegetable stock

1 Vegetable Chicken-Style bouillon cube

1/2 cup flour + more for dusting and to adjust thickening if necessary

1 pinch nutmeg

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 pkg ready made frozen vegetarian pie crusts, thawed

Saute the onion and garlic in 2 tbsp butter. Stir in the Vegan Chick'n, wine and 1/2 cup of stock. Cook on medium heat 3-5 minutes until the liquid is absorbed. 

Melt the remaining butter in a medium sized sauce pan, mix in some of the flour, a little at a time stirring constantly. Slowly add in some of the stock and whisk. Continue to alternate flour and stock until it begins to thicken. Add in heavy cream slowly, continuing to stir. Add in the milk, continue to stir. Add in nutmeg and black pepper. Crumble the vegetable bouillon in, still whisking. Taste. If it's too salty do not add the salt. Depending on the consistency, add more stock to thin or more flour to thicken. The pot should be simmering slowly and should be at least 3/4 full by this point. If you need to top it up, continue alternating stock or cream with flour until you reach the desired amount. You'll need to gauge having enough sauce to cover the cooked veggies. The sauce is the most important part of this recipe. Taste and season with additional salt and pepper if necessary. 

Portion the mixed veggies into single serving pie plates. I had enough filling for twelve. Top with cubed Vegan Chick'n and pour sauce over. Mix to coat veggies evenly. 

Roll pre-made pie crusts out onto a cutting board, sprinkle with a little splash of water if necessary and dust with flour. Roll flat and thin. Cut circles out big enough to cover the pie plates. Prick with a fork to allow the steam to vent. Bake at 375 degrees for 35 minutes or until crusts are a nice golden colour. 

Black Keys Covering The Weight by The Band

The Word Love

Refried Beans, Done Right :)

Getting prepped this afternoon so I can leave dinner for the family before heading out to work -and Bean & Cheese Burritos it is. I made the beans from scratch and they taste wayyyy better than the canned stuff. They're worth the extra few minutes of time! If you don't have time to soak beans, just use drained canned pintos. I used my friends words of bean cooking advice to make these; fry garlic & onion until translucent in 3 tbsp ish of oil, then I added a vegetarian bouillon in a 1/4 cup of water and 4 cups of soft drained pinto beans into the oil. Stir and mash while they're hot. I might never used a pre-made can of Old El Paso again. Ever. 

Broken Heart Syndrome ..As Described By A Surgeon

I came across this video this morning which ironically was posted on December 16th, 2012 the day I learned my baby had died and had to be soon delivered. I am one of those mothers who has been handed her still hearted baby to hold as described in her story. From a grieving mom's perspective, this doctor sorta gets it.
I had heard his soul through the doppler in my doctors office just a few days earlier. I felt his spirit tumble inside me when he moved. I was scared about a lot of things during this pregnancy but most of all I was afraid that these energies would all end as soon as I had him. But they didn't. I felt like I was going to die of a broken heart in the weeks following his death until the foggy head started to lift a bit and I began to realize he is still a part of me; I do still feel him. When I'm drawn to visit his grave, my heart swells with energy from him. I become emotional when my broken heart emerges to soak up some love and give it the boost it needs to get me through my day. Other times I go to give out the love I need Declan to have from me. Regardless though, I always leave there with a sense of calm in my soul and warmth in my heart because of our connection.
The doctor in this video wants to understand and a lot of what she says makes sense to me. Broken Heart Syndrome is a feeling and this surgeon does a great job at trying to describe what it all means.

Banana Bread; Memories Of The Cottage Style

At my friends cottage last weekend they made banana bread and the smell was heavenly. Now that we're back home and in routine I'm trying to zone back into the cottage life just a little by making a loaf here. This is the basic version; in the loaf I made today I added a pinch of cinnamon, nutmeg and a drop of pure vanilla extract. Also a few milk chocolate chips and a handful of walnuts made their way into the bowl :) I topped the loaf with a sprinkle of brown sugar before baking to give it a bit of a crust. Now I just need a hammock here at home to swing in while it bakes!

INGREDIENTS

2	cups all-purpose flour
1	teaspoon baking soda
1/4	teaspoon salt
1/2	cup butter
3/4	cup brown sugar
2	eggs, beaten
2 1/3	cups mashed overripe bananas

INSTRUCTIONS

1.	Directions
2.	Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease a 9x5 inch loaf pan.
3.	In a large bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt. In a separate bowl, cream together butter and brown sugar. Stir in eggs and mashed bananas until well blended. Stir banana mixture into flour mixture; stir just to moisten, don't over mix or it will fe too dry. Pour batter into prepared loaf pan.
4.	Bake in preheated oven for 60 to 65 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into center of the loaf comes out clean. (Careful you don't poke banana and think it's underdone!) Let bread cool in pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack.

My Favourite Food

While tidying up I came across this little note that I've never seen before written by my eight year old ..it made me smile inside and out! 

In The End...