Our New Reality

Rest In Peace Among This Garden Of Angels Baby Boy Of Mine

You know how sometimes you wake up from a terrible dream? And for a split second when you first open your eyes you freeze as the thought goes through your mind 'that was just a bad dream, that didn't really happen, everything is ok' followed by a feeling of relief. But for me when I place my hand on my stomach only to feel my flattened belly where my baby bump once was, I realize that nightmare was my reality.

Today marks the date I was due to deliver Declan. As of this moment I have to face the fact that I will not give birth, I will not bring another son home today and the visions I had for our family past April 20th, 2013 have changed. We really haven't made any plans for our summer because we had thought we'd have a baby in tow. Now that we won't we've just avoided booking camping and other events because it doesn't feel right. We envisioned we'd be a family of 'five' for everything we do past today. Having lost him four months ago you'd think I'd have prepared myself for this and these feelings, but the reality is it's too painful to brace yourself for such sadness. Instead of my kids coming to the hospital to meet their new brother, I'll take them over to visit his grave today. Instead of baby toys and clothes, we'll take him some blue roses and star shaped balloons. Although we've had months of grieving his loss already, this is day one of moving forward in our new reality.

Sleeping Sickness

What A Grieving Mother Really Thinks ~Kelly Cummings

Hello, Old Friend,

Oh, yes, you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please

Don’t look away

And change the subject

It’s ok.

You see, at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk,

Come sit with me? 

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail, 

Broke from me…

My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say,

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

~Kelly Cummings

Stubborn Love

So many marriages fall apart but I'd like to think Chris and I are in ours for the long haul. We're high school sweethearts so in a way we have grown up together. When we were young we created such a strong foundation that it will stabilize us for life, ..hopefully. Life's ups and downs have been a true test to what we can withstand. As fragile as we both are in these months following the loss of our baby we know that in the thick, heavy, foggy haze that surrounds us both (sometimes making one of us act a little crazier than usual) there is still that stubborn love that will always push through there to hold us together.

Burrito Brothers ..on TV!

Pretty cool stuff! My friend Saney and her co-owners of Burrito Brothers in Brantford were spotted in this OLG commercial today; she's famous now!!

If you're in the Brantford/Ancaster/Hamilton area this restaurant is definitely worth making time for. There are a number of Vegan/Vegetarian options and everything is made with LOVE. I ate my food so quickly when I was there that I forgot to take a picture to blog about! ..so another post about this fantastic little gem will follow sometime soon. Check them out on Twitter @BurrittoBrobrant or 'Like' their Facebook page to learn more about them ..but first watch this commercial then go in and ask them for their autograph! Sooo proud!!

You Never Know How Strong You Are..

My girlfriend Bridge (my 'bridge' who helps me across many obstacles in my life!) sent me this :)

Organically Grown Success

Clifford Myers (left) Javier Enrique (right)

There used to be a free regular open mic comedy show that I'd go to every week after work with my buddy Javier who would often go up to do a set. I'd watch the same people do their thing week after week yet it never became dull to me. I was always amazed at the courage these comics had to stand up and take that risk where they might be laughed at instead of the actual jokes. I'd sit really quietly in the audience, off to the side, out of the way and almost hold my breath for each one as they went up. Once they'd start making the room laugh I could feel their anxiety fade and their confidence rise as they continued on; a pretty awesome transition to watch. After The Staircase weekly shows came to a halt due to lack of support from the local community (shame on us Hamilton!) the group of guys continued to set up other gigs at bars across the city, acquired spots on college radio shows and did out of town work in the Toronto and Niagara regions.

Clifford Myers (click on that link and 'Like' his page before you read any further!) was one of the guys I'd find myself silently cheering on from the audience; he shows his passion for his work and I admire that. And even though I had heard many of his same jokes on several occasions, it was a different show at each venue I saw him at. He gets a read on his audience and adapts to them. He can sense the vibes in the room and goes with that flow. This boy is intuitive that way! Outside of his many in-city performances, I saw him also at The Central, Crown & Tiger and Second City in Toronto as well as Club 54 in Burlington. This Friday night I'll be there to cheer him on as he opens again (for a second year!) in Toronto for Craig Gass at the Panasonic Theatre. I feel so proud of this guy and it's not so I can say 'I knew him when' when he becomes rich and famous one day (well.. I might brag about that later in life but it's not what makes me feel how I do for him) I feel proud to know of a guy who over the past few years has been so dedicated to his passion in life and is seeing success because of it. I feel proud that he was organically grown by the love and support of his fans and fellow comics in my hometown. Nothing at all tainted about his success; pure natural talent and devotion is what put him where he is today. I feel pride because I know someone who has the drive in him to set goals and is achieving them. Have a look online at his videos and pages regardless of where you're reading from because one day he might just make an appearance in your own city and you won't want to miss it.  'Like' him on Facebook, Follow him on Twitter @Cliffalus or have a look at his (seldom updated) website to learn more about him. As for you Hamilton, watch for his show listings and go check him out in real life to see what you've been missing.

And Clifford if you read this on Twitter, (which you will because you're a tweet-aholic) know I will sit in the audience with your fans and friends this Friday not-so-silently cheering you on as you continue to grow in the organic success of your comic career; hope you'll feel the energy of those good vibes from way up on stage that we'll be sending your way!
I'd wish you luck as well buddy ..but you won't need it :)

I'm In Love With My City

I believe in supporting my local community as best I can. I shop at local stores, I buy from farmers markets, I eat out at family owned restaurants and drink at establishments operated by people of the city who have invested in their business. I buy tickets for charity groups in our area, go out to Art Crawls and watch comedy shows and bands play at local venues. Hamilton gets a bad rap from so many who focus only on the industrial end of which many of our residents livelihoods are dependant upon. This city is full of culture and diversity and if you truly take the time to appreciate the really great things about it you'll see those things reflected throughout.
I play an active role in the animal rights organizations within the city, my kids play sports at the many beautiful parks and arenas nearby, we visit the AGH and the Royal Botanical Gardens etc but theres so much more to be a part of here; there's a place of interest for everyone, you just have to source it out. There's a new game lounge open downtown, you can roller skate in the outdoor rink at Bayfront Park in the nicer weather or hang out at a Vegan Community Potluck if thats your thing! I could spend hours posting what is going on these days but instead I suggest you check out sites such as Beaux Mondes Jamie Gunner Smith Tourism Hamilton and ihearthamilton or search the hashtag #HamOnt on Twitter. You'll see all that Hamilton has to offer this way AND you'll always be in the know for where the Food Trucks are!!

Thanking My Lucky Stars

I had this image etched onto Declan's
gravestone
in honour of my four taken babies.

I felt like I was starting to go crazy in the weeks leading up to me returning to work. My head was spinning, I was doing things that made no sense (caught myself putting a clean pot away in the fridge instead of the cupboard!) I forgot to pick up a good friend one day when we had plans and I was starting to not know the day of the week unless I looked it up on my iPhone. The numbness was starting to wear and I felt overcome with guilt. I was considering seeing someone, a grief counsellor but really felt like that wasn't the answer. They would only tell me something they learned from a text book and that wasn't for me. Then while browsing on social media, I came across a photo that led to where I am now.

A friend posted a picture on Facebook of a Caulbearer Baby born still in the sac with the amniotic fluid and placenta intact. It's very rare this happens; one website said once in every eight hundred thousand births. The doctor told me it's uncommon when I delivered Declan in that state ..but my mind was so distorted by my broken heart and I didn't quite understand what that really meant. It seems these babies are teachers of a higher learning, destined for greatness. After reading more about it I decided to see a Psychic. And my visit to her was life changing.
Once she had validated some truths that would be very big guesses if she wasn't truly connected, I bought into what she wanted to tell me and she told me this:

Sometimes we think the Universe is a cruel place but we humans accidentally make it out to be that way. The Universe only wants for us what is meant for us and through our misunderstandings we think it is out to get us sometimes. She said I wasn't meant to look after a crippled child for the rest of my life (she said crippled, not weak heart or any of the other number of reasons a baby is stillborn.. she said crippled which is in line with our dealings of positive Spina Bifida results leading up to his death) She said she sees guilt weighing on me because I have misunderstood my feelings from the start. She said I feel guilt as a result of looking back at how I reacted when I first realized I was expecting. She said she knows this was a surprise pregnancy and I acted in a way that I'm ashamed of now; in a way that was not typically me at all ..but that I need to see it as it really is which is Extreme Intuition. She told me I'm very connected and I actually knew what I didn't know I knew at that time. I knew I was heading into a storm and that this was going to happen so it was my way of guarding myself in the moment. It was my way of preparing myself for what was to come so I could be strong around everyone I needed to be strong around. She said Declan knows I love him, he knows I hoped as hard as I could even though I knew that energy used in doing so would not change the outcome. But out of love I tried it. She said he will be returned to me in this lifetime; probably through the form of a grandchild. She said she sees four stars above my right shoulder. Each of the other two psychics I've seen in my life have always commented on the star or stars in the same spot; the number they have given each time was representative of the number of miscarriages I had experienced at that point in time interestingly enough. All being said, her message to me was I need to just see it as it really was; a guard resulting from intuition and I have no reason to feel guilty for being so connected; in fact it's a gift and it is not meant to burden me..

I really feel in my soul that my caulbearer baby directed me to this woman to receive this message. I'm not sure if anyone else really understands what that message means but if you've experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth it may give you some insight to changing the way you interpret what you think you feel and it will make a difference to your well being. This message saved me from losing my mind, from being guilt ridden my whole life and has lifted off a tremendous weight. I still feel sad all of the time, I still wonder where I'd be now if I were still carrying him and how things would look going forward. I'm sad for the visions of our future that are lost and I'm sad because I miss being pregnant, feeling him flutter inside. I'm still very sad. I'll always be sad. But I honestly feel freed from the guilt. And I think I have my four Lucky Stars above my right shoulder to thank for that.

The Universe At It's Cruelest

The father with the frozen heart in this video represents the universe at it's cruelest to me; when it uses it's forces to take our children from us.. And although I'm grateful for the children I have, wonder and fear, guilt and sadness will always linger after the losses.