Monday, February 11, 2013

To Be A Man In Grief

Most nights I see the four o'clock hour and every thought that was suppressed in my mind throughout the day surfaces. It's my Witching Hour. There's so much I can't make sense of and my soul finds no rest. I try to be still about it but almost every time I feel my husbands arm wrap around me and he does what he can to settle me. He's had to withstand this just about every night since we lost Declan. Now that the numbing is wearing off and reality is setting in, our hearts have never felt more broken. I throw up out of upset at the most unexpected times. I feel like I'm in a constant daze, I forget things that I shouldn't, put things where they don't belong, write crazy person blog posts that only other moms who have lost their babies can relate to.. It has only just occurred to me that if I feel this way, Chris might too. It's obvious he's changed because of all of this but I've never asked him just how he copes day to day at work and outside of the house, and what he does to fake it. He'd never want to admit that he struggles but I feel him suffering in those 4AM moments. I wonder how much energy it takes to be that brave everyday and admire him for it. I worry about him although I love him even more for being there during my Witching Hour when I need him most.

I came across this poem and it makes me think of Chris.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister
to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

About Me

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Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)