Sinead O'Connor's song Three Babies describes how I feel about the babies I lost due to miscarriage. Avril Lavigne also has a song called Slipped Away that reminds me of my losses.
Everyone once in awhile I listen to these songs and give myself a moment to think about what might have been. I always come to the realization that my life would not look the same as it does today had I carried those children to term. Because I am so grateful for the life I do have, I am able to close my thoughts peacefully and put the lost children back into the place in my heart where they belong. In the moments however where I allow my mind to wander, I get a big lump in my throat and I am overcome with a feeling of sadness. I think about the dates they were due and the dates they were lost.
My first miscarriage happened on Sunday August 3rd 2003. I just had a feeling it was a girl. I named her Isabel. She would have been due on March 18th 2004 and she and Carter would have been exactly 2 years apart. Also, her due date was her Great-Grandma Oakman's birthday.
My second miscarriage happened on Sunday December 2nd, 2006. I had a feeling he was a boy and Chris had really wanted to name him Clarke. I was expecting him to arrive on July 27th, 2008. Callum however referred to him as "Jack" and ironically a friend of ours gave birth to her son Jack on my due date.
My last and most recent loss happened on Tuesday February 12th, 2008 when Chris and I went for a 12 week ultrasound to see if we could determine the sex as we both were guessing I was carrying our daughter. We were told there was a 12 week fetus in there, but it had no heartbeat.... There were no visible signs of a miscarriage to me. This was shocking. I was angry and thought the doctors had it all wrong, until Valentine's Day later that week when the signs and symptoms of miscarriage appeared. We named her Scotia and she was due to be born on September 4th, 2008.
I will never really know the sex of any of these babies or why they never came to be. I don't think it's something I'll ever just get over because they were/are a part of me. Time I suppose can be a good healer and so I can now accept that possibly some things do happen for a reason.
My focus in life is my husband and our 2 beautiful boys but my heart will always hold a spot for the three babies I have lost.